Debonair with Mona

“Good mor… what the fuck are you wearing?”

“Excuse me?”

“Is that a bowtie?”


“And a vest.”

“Astute this morning Mona.”

“Who died?”

“Whatever do you mean?”

“I mean, who died? You wear the same five ugly ass shirts that barely qualify as business casual every week.”

“No one died.”

“Are you up for a promotion?”

“Do you honestly think they would give me any sort of power?”

“Not if they value this company.”


“Then what’s happening?”

“I just felt like dressing up.”

“Bullshit. You wore shorts to that wedding we went to.”

“It was on a beach.”

“Okay. First it was off of Lake Shore Drive. Second, it was March and like forty degrees. Third, explain the hoodie.”

“Okay. In order. The beaches on Lake Michigan are lovely. The great lakes are the largest supply of fresh water in the world and deserve our love and respect. I look good in shorts. Muscular thighs and toned calves. And finally it is important to keep your core temp regulated.”



“Why are you dressed up today? Just tell me. I can only guess it is an attempt to get laid if for not a funeral.”

“Funerals are great places to pick up women.”


“They are.”

“It is full of grieving people and family members.”

“I don’t mean a family member’s funeral. Have some respect. I mean strangers funerals.”

“You would go to a stranger’s funeral to pick up women? You have crossed some lines before mister but this one is a new low even for you.”

“Well no. Yes. But no. I went with a friend. They didn’t want to go alone and asked me to accompany them.”

“Better. Not by much. Continue.”

“So he was paying his respects. I was loitering in the back. This lady was overcome by emotion and I offered her a tissue.”

“You were carrying tissues? This sounds vaguely premeditated.”

“I always bring tissues to a funeral. Slobbery snot nosed people everywhere. It’s gross.”

“Uh huh.”

“Your tone wounds me deeply.”

“If you had feelings.”

“The lady has a tongue like a razor and so carelessly cuts.”

“Dressed up Mike is smooth. I’ll give you that. How did you end up picking up the lady?”

“Well we began talking. She went outside to smoke and calm herself. Asked how I knew the deceased.”

“Did you lie?”

“No. I told the, albeit slightly exaggerated, truth. Said my friend knew the dearly departed and needed a strong shoulder to lean on in this trying time.”

“And she bought that? She deserved to have sex with you.”

“It did have it’s own charm. She thought it was sweet. And I thought she was sweet on the eyes. And you know what they say about girls that smoke.”

“No I don’t.”

“They are at far higher risk for emphysema and lung cancer. It’s on the side of the pack, clear as day.”

“I hate you.”

“You don’t.”

“I’m learning to.”

“You aren’t.”

“I could see myself doing it.”

“Well, yeah. When someone looks this good the natural instinct is jealousy. I can see that.”

“You find this way to just aggravate the piss out of people. It’s sort of astounding really.”

“You’re going to make me blush.”

“That is in no way a compliment.”

“Are you sure?”

“How are you not?”

“Well you said I was astounding.”

“After aggravating. The key was aggravating.”

“But you did say I’m astounding. And I’ll take it. Can’t kill my shine.”

“Fuck. Some days I ask myself, Mona why do you bother?”

“What does she say?”



“I’m done. I don’t fucking care why you’re dressed up.”

“We had sex in the hearse.”

“What? Wait. No. No. Really?”

“Yes we did. In the back where the rollers are. It was not comfortable at all.”

“You manage to raise the bar with how low you are willing to go.”

“I am blushing now.”

“Idiot. I didn’t even know they have rollers back there.”

“To slide the coffin in and out. And that time, other things. Wink.”

“Did you just say wink?”

“I did.”

“You are disturbed. You really are. There is something deeply wrong with you.”

“I can see that.”

“Good. I’d be concerned if you couldn’t.”

“Wait. Which part is disturbing?”

“All of it.”

“Oh then I don’t see that.”

“Which part was not disturbing to you?”

“The sex was pretty good in that we shouldn’t be doing it sort of way.”

“Dead people go back there.”

“Funny, you should say that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well. See. Turns out the funeral was for her ex husband. So it wasn’t the only place dead people had gone.”

“I’m so done with you.”


“Why are you dressed up?”

“Lunch date.”

“So it is about getting laid.”


“Why didn’t you just say that?”

“And miss the chance for you to compliment me?”

“I never complimented you… Never mind.”

“Tell me I look good.”

“You look nice.”


“Yes. You clean up nicely.”


“So when I berate you it is good and when I say you look nice it is bad?”

“I was going for debonair.”

“I’ve literally never said that word to anyone.”

“But in reference to me?”

“Fine. Shit. You look suave and debonair. Happy?”

“It felt forced.”

“It was.”

“I know. But I am astounding.”

“The hate is building.”

“Naw. I’m adorable.”

“You really aren’t.”

“A little?”

“Maybe a little.”

“I knew it!”

“Selene see you yet?”


“She’s one her way.”


“I texted her.”


“To see if she thinks you look debonair.”

“Is hate contagious?”

“Not sure.”

“You didn’t really text her…”


“Hello Selene.”

“You look good Mike. Wow. So sophisticated.”

“You think so Selene?”

“I do. Mmmm. Damn. What’s that word?”

“Not sure.”

“Debonair. Call me. Soon.”

“Maybe Selene. Thank you.”

“I’ve gotta run but I’ll be waiting for you to call.”

“Okay. Have a good day.”

“Bye Mona. Bye Sexy.”

“Bye Selene.”

“Go ahead.”

“Go ahead what Mike?”

“Say it.”

“Say what?”

“I was right.”

“You were right?”

“Not in the form of a question.”



“You’re impossible.”

“Yes I am.”

“Again. Not a good thing. And don’t say it.”

“Say what?”

“Tomato potato.”

“So you agree.”

“I most certainly do not.”

“A little.”

“Not even. Who is the date with?”

“The lady from the funeral.”

“Seriously? What kind of perverse magic does that dick of yours have?”

“It’s the tongue more than anything.”

“You went down on her in the back of the hearse?”

“No. Eww. After the funeral.”

“She went home with you?”

“No. We went back to the dead guy’s place after. The whole family did. They had food and drinks.”

“Oh no. That’s horrible.”

“I think it is pretty common actually.”

“Not that. I know that is common. I meant… You know what? Forget it. There is something wrong with you.”

“I know.”

“But do you?”

“I mean, sort of.”

“What happened to you?”

“Well she used her mouth…”


“What? You asked.”

“I meant what happened to you that broke you so badly. Not what did the lady do to you.”


“So where are you going for lunch?”

“She is taking me to Ruth’s Chris.”

“Black magic tongue. It has to be.”


“Back of a hearse and in a dead man’s home. She must be special.”

“Or really hot.”

“Is she?”

“Oh yes she is. She’ll get sick of me soon.”

“Or she will make an honest man of you.”

“I think we both know that isn’t going to happen. Ever.”

“One day it might.”

“I’ll die alone. I just hope someone gets laid at my funeral.”

“If anyone but me and Chainsaw show.”

“Just takes two to tango.”


“Okay. Fair.”

“You do look good. Selene was dripping.”

“Oh I know.”

“Conceited ass.”

“No. She texted.”

“That was fast.”

“She has this talent.”

“Quickest cooter in the West.”


“Oh no mister back of the hearse. No. You don’t get to say eww.”

“But Mona…”

“Go on.”

“That was it. Hoped a whiny tone would make you forgive me. A little.”

“Fuck. Sometimes you are adorable. A little.”

“Yes I am.”

“Until you speak.”

“Would you believe I’ve heard that before?”

“I wouldn’t believe you if you said you hadn’t.”

“There may be something wrong with me.”

“You think?”

“Nah. I’m just right like I am.”

“You really aren’t.”

“You love me.”

“Is that bowtie too tight?”


“You sure?”


“I didn’t think so.”

“I’m bad at being human.”

“Yes you are. Luckily you have me.”

“That is a fact. I need you.”

“And just like that the hate evaporates.”

“Because I’m astounding.”

“Let’s not push it.”



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