A Wake For Mona

I held a wake for Mona at work today. Informed everyone she had died in her sleep the night before. The boss brought in donuts and we sat together in the break room. Marie was inconsolable.

“We gather to mourn the loss of my best friend. My partner in crime. Mona. She was the best. And I am not ashamed to admit I loved her. Some of our favorite moments were spent playing video games and talking about life.”

At that moment she walked in.

“Hey Mona. I got the boss to buy donuts.”

“Who died?”

“Now that is a funny story.”

Marie stood up and looked at us both at the same time. “You’re an asshole Mike.”

“Have a good day Marie. Told you it wouldn’t be so bad.”

“Fucking asshole.”

“Sorry Marie. Easy mistake, enjoy the donut ”

“Did you tell them I died.”

“Sort of.”

“You sort of told them I died.”

“In a way.”

“In what way. Exactly.”

“I may have suggested you expired in your sleep.”


“Like a carton of chocolate milk. Too rich and delicious for this world.”

“Did you say that?”

“I hadn’t gotten a chance to. You said you would be forty five minutes late. It is only thirty.”

“What the fuck.”

“We got donuts!”

“We did get donuts. Who cried?”

“Marie. Ned or Ted, I cannot tell them apart. My phone.”

“Your phone?”

“Selene sent me pic to cheer me up over losing my best friend.”

“Somethings once seen.”

“Cannot be unseen. It is my personal hell.”

“Not a big turn out. I expected more from my death.”

“It was surprisingly light.”

Attention employees. I regret to inform you our dear friend and coworker Mona in sales has passed away. Please meet us in the break room for a memorial and donuts.

“Ah. He hadn’t told everyone yet.”

“Thank God. I was concerned they disliked me as much as they dislike you.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“It means when I faked your death it was me, Selene and the boss in here.”

“You faked my death?”

“Remember when you got food poisoning?”

“It was like a dual headed fountain in my bathroom. Both ends at the same time. I hovered.over the toilet with my head in the tub for hours. The cleaning lady quit.”

“And you called me but passed out before calling the boss?”

“Okay. Little hazy on the details.”

“I may or may not have wanted donuts.”

“I can respect that. But only three people showed up?”

“No. I lied. Everyone came for the free donuts.”

“When did you tell them I was alive?”

“I didn’t. I told them I felt your presence and went to a psychic.”


“And she said you were close to us all.”


“And then you showed up the next day.”

“Is that why Bernie makes the sign of the cross when he sees me? And Farrah kept squirting me with water?”

“Holy water.”

“I thought it smelled like Jesus.”

“I’m pretty sure it was from the water fountain.”

“Blessed be it’s name.”



Bernie passed out when he walked in and saw us eating bear claws together. Farrah ran down the hall to the water fountain.

“Seemed like the boss was pissed.”

“I smoothed it over. Told him your text said your alarm died and I misread it.”

“He didn’t wonder how my corpse sent you a text.”

“It didn’t come up.”

“Like your last date.”

“You know, for a zombie you are awfully mean spirited.”

“Probably the lack of brains I find myself surrounded by.”


“So did your alarm die?”

“I wish.”

“So then what?”

“I had a sleepover last night.”

“Did you…”

“I swear to God if you say scissor.”

“Have a nice time? That was what I was going to say.”

“I’m sure. And yes.”

“Trudy again?”


“You two are getting serious.”

“Bleh. The sex is great and she cooks.”

“Sounds like a female me.”

“Except for the great sex and cooking.”

“I can cook.”

“Since when?”

“I have been taking classes.”

“Shut up.”

“I have. French cuisine.”

“And what have you made?”

“Oh I cannot pronounce it.”


“Yes ma’am.”

“What’s her name?”


“Whoever it is you want to impress.”

“I balk at the insidious tone.”


“God no.”


“Ever stop to think I want to improve myself for me?”

“Who is she?”

“I am doing it for me.”



“Your ex Ellie?”

“Stop it. I know what your are gonna say.”

“The one that cheated on you eight times?”

“Seven. Turns out she really does have a brother.”

“Seven times!”

“And technically it was the same guy three of the times.”

“Four times.”

“When you put it that way it does seem like a mistake.”

“You think?”

“Not often. Gives me headache.”

“It’s the sex.”

“She has a kind of magic.”

“She has a tight little box.”

“That has nothing to do with it.”

“And that ass you can bounce quarters off of.”

“I mean it is a nice butt.”

“And those natural D cups.”

“She is well formed. I didn’t sculpt her.”

“But you love to run your hands a over it.”

“I have a problem.”

“How long?”

“Whatdya mean?”

“How long?”

“Two weeks.”

“Two fucking weeks!”

“Three tomorrow.”

“Three fucking weeks!”

“I’m sorry.”

“I slashed that bitches tires for you.”

“You did.”

“And you cried on my shoulder.”

“Well, gently wept.”

“You got snot on me.”

“I paid for the dry cleaning.”

“You idiot.”

“Help me. Please. I hate the cooking classes. The pastries and nasty cheeses. It is so terrible.”

“Break it off.”

“Let’s not be hasty.”

“Mike. Now.”

“But anniversary sex.”

“Three week anniversary.”

“Special occasion sex is the second best sex.”

“After make up sex. I am aware.”

“She has changed.”

“Do it.”


“In front of me.”

“But we have tickets to see the Stars and Hawks.”

“Too fucking bad.”

“Center ice.”

“Give me your phone. Now.”

“Here. What are you saying?”

“That she is a diseased little whore and you can do better.”

“I really can’t.”

“No. You probably can’t.”


“Like a band aid. Done.”


“She texted back already.”

“Let me see.”

“You don’t want to. Trust me.”

“What is it?”

“Her peeling an uncircumsized dick like a banana.”

“Fucking Brad!”

“That is the second picture.”

“Fucking asshole.”

“Third pic.”

“You are enjoying this aren’t you?”

“Not as much as she is. Who is taking these pics? They have real talent.”

“I bought her a selfie stick.”

“The selfie stick is in play. She really does have a great ass.”

“Can I have my phone back?”

“Let me block her number and delete these for you.”


“And there is a new one from Selene. She really likes the hoohah shots doesn’t she?”

“I’m gonna end up marrying her.”

“Sadly. I agree.”

“I liked you better when you were dead.”

“I liked you better not stupid.”

“I’ll have you know I have always been this stupid.”

“I know. And I still love you.”

“I thought she changed.”

“No. You really didn’t.”

“Nope. I really didn’t.”

“You may want to get tested.”

“Have an appointment this afternoon.”

“Good boy.”

“You know I love you too, right?”

“Yes dummy. I do.”

“Give me a hug.”

“C’mere stupid.”


“Yes Mike?”

“Your face smells like Trudy’s pussy.”

“I know.”



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