“Good morning.”

“Seven.”

“Seven what?”

“Assholes cut me off this morning.”

“And you lost all trace of common courtesy?”

“I don’t know if I had the slightest trace to begin with. Is that like con science?”

“Con science? What the fuck it that?”

“Hell if I know. That thing that makes you feel bad for doing mean things.”

“Are you saying conscience?”

“Maybe.”

“Idiot.”

“See, clearly you don’t have one either.”

“The fuck I don’t.”

“Sounds like what someone without one would say.”

“I have one.”

“Me too.”

“You are like a textbook sociopath. Ever seen American Psycho?”

“The comedy?”

“It wasn’t a comedy.”

“Are you sure?”

“It was satire. But not a full blown comedy.”

“Hmm. Like Natural Born Killers?”

“You like that movie?”

“One of my favorites.”

“Sociopath.”

“Thank you.”

“Not a compliment.”

“Tomato potato.”

“Ugh.”

“I know. Seven fucking people cutting me off. It should be legal to castrate them.”

“Have you ever cut someone off?”

“Just the ones that deserve it.”

“So you should be castrated?”

“Gonna need some over sized shears.”

“I bet you’re hung like a mouse.”

“A mouse with the biggest balls you’ve ever seen.”

“I’ve only seen two sets of balls.”

“Ever?”

“I knew I was gay a long time.”

“I have a question.”

“A serious one?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

“Since you like vagina, why do so many lesbians use dildos?”

“It isn’t the cock shape, it is the most efficient for vaginal stimulation.”

“Makes sense.”

“Yeah. I won’t get one that looks like a penis. But the relative shape works.”

“You ever use a strap on?”

“Awfully personal question.”

“Yeah, but you love me.”

“I do?”

“How could you not?”

“You are abrasive and a bit of an asshole.”

“Okay.”

“Those were bad things.”

“Are you sure?”

“How are you not?”

“If the world was more abrasive and assholeish it would be a better place.”

“You think so?”

“I do. Everyone spends so much time trying to be nice. Some things aren’t polite and friendly.”

“So honesty?”

“I’m always honest. That’s what most people don’t like about me.”

“Almost always?”

“If it’s funny to me I’ll pretend.”

“So the shit you’ve told me?”

“All true.”

“Holy shit.”

“World would be a better place with an army of me.”

“Or it would be a cinder.”

“Tomato potato.”

“Is it wrong to hate myself a little for agreeing?”

“Trust me Mona, I am filled to the gills with self hate. I don’t judge.”

“Except yourself.”

“Only one I am able to judge. The rest of you are out of my realm of expertise.”

“So a sociopath for good?”

“Like a superhero.”

“But you’re bald.”

“And?”

“Superheroes have hair.”

“That is just hurtful.”

“How many bald superheroes are there?”

“Then I need a dormant volcano.”

“An evil lair?”

“Damn Skippy. I’ll take over this world in less time than it takes the average dictator to order genocide.”

“Part of me believes that.”

“Did I ever tell you my plan once I get to hell?”

“Wait. You have a plan for going to hell?”

“If it exists I can’t think of anything other I’ll go to.”

“Fair.”

“Yeah.”

“What’s the plan?”

“See, hell gets a bad rep.”

“Some normal people would think there is a good reason for that.”

“What’s more fun, sin or being good?”

“Um.”

“Right. So if the church gets Vatican City why not have an equal city state to balance the scales?”

“I hate myself for being curious.”

“My plan is simple and should put me in upper management in no time.”

“Go on.”

“Advertising first and foremost. Sin is in billboards all over.”

“Billboards.”

“They work. Second, a hotel on unconsecrated ground. Anything goes.”

“Anything?”

“Yes. Damned souls play whatever role you desire. Want to have sex with Marilyn Monroe and then decapitate her? Done. Just sign a contract upon entering and your sickest desire comes true.”

“Oh my.”

“The best part? You’re not killing a living person but a damned soul. Everytime a damned soul volunteers they wipe a sin off their record. Like a work release situation. Do enough role playing and go to heaven. But we keep the souls pouring in.”

“That is messed up.”

“But brilliant.”

“There is a certain something to it.”

“Right.”

“How does this relate to you being a supervillain?”

“Same basic concept. Take over a small country. Make everything legal. Except stuff that harms children.”

“Okay.”

“And slowly take over the world. With freedom. Way I figure it, just a matter of time before everyone wants me to rule over them.”

“Delusionary much?”

“All the time.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I actually think there is something that can make me happy. Worst delusion of them all.”

“Oh. Mikey, that is so sad.”

“Meh.”

“It is.”

“Probably why I’ll make a great supervillain.”

“I think you’re a good guy.”

“Sounds like henchmen material.”

“Me? A henchmen?”

“Possibly middle management.”

“Middle. Management.”

“You can feed the attack wolverines and cyborg squid.”

“All of this just to find out if I have ever used a strap on. If I hold out longer maybe I can get a corner office.”

“No corners. Everything will be rounded.”

“Why?”

“Corners accumulate junk. Would be heroes hide in them.”

“Have you actually given this thought?”

“Of course not Number Two Point Seven.”

“What are the benefits like?”

“Honestly, they are pretty decent. We’ll have mad scientists and doctors on the payroll. No going outside the network. Random body parts grafted on to your body. The basics.”

“I guess I’m in.”

“You won’t regret this.”

“I most certainly will.”

“You almost certainly will, yes.”

“No different than this place.”

“Well, we will be openly evil instead of pretending to be good.”

“True.”

“And in the rather likely event of your death, I will upload your mind into a super computer.”

“Ooh. That sounds pretty cool.”

“You can be my electronic con science.”

“Conscience.”

“Meh.”

“I’ll be able to correct you forever.”

“That sounds wonderful.”

“It sounds like a full time job.”

“It does indeed.”

“Still thinking about castrating the people that cut you off?”

“Just a little.”

“You’re hopeless.”

“A hopeless romantic.”

“Or hopelessly socipathic.”

“Tomato potato.”

“Ugh.”