Two Weeks Without Mona

“Two weeks?”

“It’s called a vacation Mike. I’m entitled.”

“But what about me?”

“What about you?”

“What am I supposed to do for two weeks?”

“Listen to music. Find your center. Fuck yourself. Honestly it is all whatevs.”

“Hurtful. And whatevs?”

“Honest. We have been in this shitty little room for an entire year together. It will be healthy for us to be apart. And I’m in vacation mode, whatevs to everything.”

“Fuck healthy. I will be bored.”

“Fuck bored. I will be on the beach.”

“I thought you loved me.”

“I did. And then Trudy planned this trip to the Bahamas. And I realized I like you. Not like like, just like you.”

“Oh. Does sand beat scissors?”

“This is why I feel nothing about leaving you for two weeks. Right there.”

“Does it?”

“I will tell you when I get back.”

“What if the plane goes down? Or a hurricane makes landfall?”

“Just know I was doing what I love most. Not being here.”

“That’s fair.”

“Don’t forget to get my mail. And feed my kitty.”

“Get the kitty. Feed the mail. Got it.”

“Funny. And don’t bring over anyone to my place. I don’t want a repeat of last year.”


“I will go over everything with a blacklight.”

“You wound me.”

“I am not sleeping in your spunk again. It is disgusting.”

“Calling it spunk is disgusting. I prefer baby batter.”

“No. I will not take the bait. I have three hours left. I am already gone.”




“Stop it.”

“My thick and ropy love spit.”

“And people ask why I am gay.”

“High fructose porn syrup.”

“Stop. Seriously. You know what happens when you get going like this.”

“Do you like penis coladas? Making love in the rain?”

“You did not…”

“Do you like waking up at midnight? With my jizz on your leg?”

“Seriously. Eww. Now that is going to be stuck in my head the entire flight. Asshole.”

“Two weeks. I’m going to miss you.”

“You won’t even notice. Just pretend I am here and make inappropriate comments to my chair.”

“It isn’t the same.”

“It really is.”

“Nope. What if something happens to me while you’re gone?”

“Like what?”

“I could have an embolism. No one would notice.”

“They would notice. It would be quiet for once.”


“Stop freaking out.”

“I am adverse to change.”

“I know. Get over it.”

“Fine. But fair warning. I am going to get a balloon and put a nappy ass wig on it and pretend it is you.”

“A nappy ass wig?”


“I swear to God I will beat the shit out of you and smile all the way to the airport.”

“Just put a mop on it. Draw a snarl. Like that one.”

“Mikey. Enough.”


“Good boy.”


“Play brain dead. Good boy.”

“Mona. I deserve a treat.”

“You really don’t.”

“I know.”

“I think Trudy is going to ask me to marry her.”

“No. Why?”

“We are in love.”

“Not that dickhead. Why do you think it.”

“I was snooping and found a box.”

“Oh no you didn’t.”

“Oh yes I did.”

“What did it look like?”

“Small. Black.”

“Not the fucking box. The ring.”

“I didn’t open it.”

“So you will snoop but not open the box?”

“I felt terrible finding it.”

“I bet.”

“I did.”


“Don’t mmhmm me.”

“Make me.”

“Ugh. You are a child.”

“I didn’t snoop.”

“We are children.”

“Better. What are you going to say?”

“Yes. Duh.”

“Oh shit!”

“It might not have been a ring. I don’t know.”

“But it could be. All my dreams are coming true!”

“Your dreams?”

“Yep. Best man at a lesbian wedding. A dream come true.”

“Not this shit again.”

“I’ll work on my speech!”

“You should. You have the vocabulary of a five year old.”

“A very dirty mouthed five year old.”


“Now I have penis coladas stuck in my head.”


“You’ll miss my stories.”

“I don’t believe half of them anyway.”

“But they are all true.”

“Not all of them.”

“All of them.”

“Jesus. You need help.”

“I have you. And my dominatrix.”

“How is she by the way?”


“Isn’t that the point?”

“Yeah. I guess it is.”

“I can’t believe you pay her to abuse you.”

“I don’t pay her.”

“What? Wait. It is free?”


“Doesn’t that make her more your girlfriend?”

“I don’t think so.”

“You’ve been seeing her every weekend since you and Judy broke up. She doesn’t charge you.”


“Do you guys ever do stuff outside the dungeon?”

“Sometimes we go out to dinner or a movie.”

“Do you pay?”


“Are you having sex?”

“Yes. Oh my goddess. I might be in a relationship with my domme.”

“You never realized this?”

“No. It just sort of happened.”

“Has she ever said she has feelings for you?”

“Oh no.”

“Oh yes.”

“I’m going to have to end it.”


“It defeats the purpose.”

“This is the healthiest relationship you have been in since I have known you. Excluding Judy.”

“I feel dirty.”

“You shouldn’t.”

“I do.”

“You really shouldn’t.”

“What is wrong with me?”

“You are a genuinely nice guy.”

“Mean ass.”

“That wasn’t supposed to be… Never mind. What did you want from it?”

“To be choked. Maybe whipped gently. Not to be tricked into dating.”

“And how did she trick you?”

“The cat suit.”


“Yes. She said it was for special clients.”

“And how many special clients does she have? How many does she sleep with?”

“Just me. Yep. See it now. I am an idiot.”

“Yes you are my dear. Yes you are.”

“I’m going to have to end it this weekend. After our session.”


“Well, yeah. Why would I miss out on the sex and torture?”

“What am I supposed to do with you?”

“Apparently leave me alone with my evil girlfriend for two weeks.”

“Sounds legit. You’re right. Maybe we could have a double wedding!”

“Not funny.”

“You can be best man and a groom!”

“So I get to be best man? I’ll wear my special gimp suit, the one with the cutouts.”

“Don’t turn this around on me.”

“No take backs. Best man!”

“Two weeks.”

“I’m not going to talk the entire time.”

“You? Two weeks of silence?”

“Yep. Won’t even post on my stupid blog.”

“Complete silence.”

“Total silence.”

“And I am going to miss it. Can you wait until I get back?”

“No. Starting Monday, no more from me for two weeks.”

“Drama queen.”

“Silent star of the cinema.”

“Bet you can’t do it.”

“How much?”

“Lunch for a week.”

“No blog. No speaking. Two weeks. Deal.”

“You can’t do it.”

“I can. And will.”

“Better enjoy this weekend while you can then.”

“Oh I will.”

“We’ll see.”

“We will.”

“I am going to sneak out. Meet Trudy for a couple cocktails before the flight.”

“I’ll miss you boo.”

“Miss you too. See you in two weeks.”

“Have a penis colada for me.”

“You had to ruin it.”

“I did. Muah.”

“No guests.”

“What if we stay on the couch? Just oral?”

“I may not come back.”

“You’d miss me.”

“Only with the first shot. It’s called a warning for a reason.”

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