“How did it go?”

“Good morning to you too.”

“Damn it Mike. How did it go?”

“I got so shitty drunk. And remember that waitress with the brown eyes? Let’s just say she has a third. And I saw it. And it was just as pretty.”

“Look here mother fucker. You know what I’m asking about. Also. Ewww. But I suppose you have been good lately.”

“Good? I’ve been damn near boring myself to death.”

“So how did it go?”

“Well for starters the selection was terrible.”

“What do you mean?”

“It was vanilla porn mags and DVDs. I like to get a bit more creative with my choices.”

“Are you serious?”

“No Mona. I don’t even masturbate.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“I don’t care. I don’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because the first time I did it hurt when I came.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yes. I was probably too young. Since then it has a stigma.”

“What about hand jobs?”

“Pass.”

“You’re serious.”

“I am. Once you associate something with testicular pain you avoid it. Everyone thinks it’s weird. And I don’t watch porn either.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t window shop. If I’m not getting what I want why watch other people happily getting it in front of me?”

“Hmm. That actually makes sense. Also explains your surprising lack of strip club trips.”

“Not since I was a bouncer.”

“So it was okay because you made money doing it.”

“And got laid a lot.”

“Really?”

“The girls dance all night and make money from it. But they don’t bang the dudes. And since I gave them rides home and they were pent up from being sexy all night…”

“You got paid again.”

“Do you know how difficult it is to get glitter off of your balls? Near impossible.”

“Wait. How in the hell did we get here? How did it go?”

“I filled the cup. They took it.”

“And?”

“And what? The rest is up to you guys now. They do something to my stuff and then something to Trudy’s egg and something happens. Voila. Miracle of life.”

“The way you say it sounds so beautiful.”

“I’m a poet.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“Hey Marie.”

“Look, I still don’t like you. But what you’re doing for them is oddly commendable.”

“Uh oh Mona, someone’s falling in love with me!”

“And there goes all the goodwill I could muster. Good luck Mona. Keep him away from the baby.”

“I don’t think we’ll be able to.”

“I’m gonna be the best secret daddy uncle ever!”

“That sounds so wrong.”

“About that. Let’s not share my real relationship with the kid, okay?”

“Why not?”

“Because. It’s better for him or her. In the long run.”

“Why?”

“It’s your kid. I don’t want confusion. Or to have to be a role model. I’ll fail. Be a let down. I know myself and track record. Don’t let me ruin someone else’s life when I’m perfectly capable of ruining my own just fine as is.”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”

“Okay.”

“So it’s that hard to get glitter off of your balls?”

“I’m sure there is still remnants hanging around that have just fused into the sac.”

“Eww.”

“Like a disco ball of balls.”

“And you’re still single?”

“I know. It boggles the mind.”

“Such a lady killer.”

“One time and it haunts me to this day.”

“I bet it does.”

“Some nights I lose sleep.”

“Uh huh.”

“…”

“So what did you pick?”

“Huh? I’m sorry. What?”

“The material to facilitate the deed.”

“I had the nurse help me.”

“She did it for you?”

“No. She just put in the disc.”

“Oh. What was it?”

“Ridiculous. I couldn’t follow the plot at all. Something something oh look my tits fell out. And then lots of sex.”

“Did you expect a plot?”

“Sort of.”

“Oh Mikey.”

“And the acting. My God she sounded like she was getting murdered.”

“Not used to hearing sounds of pleasure?”

“Throaty moans yes. Gasps of pleasure, sure. The occasional loud exclamation, okay. But she was like a machine gun of falsity. It really took me out of the mood.”

“Poor guy.”

“Yeah. It was better with the waitress. She just went rigid and shook as my tongue did it’s magic.”

“You possessed her with your demon tongue.”

“Sure did.”

“Gonna see her again?”

“I’d like to…”

“But?”

“Well. See as she came she did something weird.”

“Oh no. What?”

“She said she loved me.”

“In the moment people say strange things.”

“I passed it off as that too.”

“But.”

“But then she said it again after we were done.”

“And what did you say?”

“I asked her why.”

“No.”

“Yeah. Really threw her for a loop. Then I explained how I had just jerked off into a cup for a lesbian couple to artificially inseminate. And how I don’t know if that’s where I am in life.”

“What did she do?”

“Honestly? She sat and listened. I spilled my guts to her and she just listened to me.”

“Wow. I would have ran my happy ass out as quickly as I could.”

“Me too. She stayed the night. I held her all night long and slept like a baby.”

“Whoa.”

“Right. When we woke up we made love. It wasn’t like the night before. It was… gentle and sweet. We kissed the entire time. Stared into each other’s eyes. There was a real connection.”

“Oh my. Did you two fall in l word?”

“No. I’m kidding. She bailed as soon as I said artificial insemination for a lesbian couple. I stayed up and drank myself unconscious. Woke up in a puddle of self regret and loathing on the floor next to the bed.”

“Asshole. I was actually believing you for a minute there. I thought you found your soul mate.”

“I don’t have one of those. And if I do I pity the poor woman.”

“Next time maybe don’t lead with jerked off into a cup for a lesbian couple.”

“I’ll make note of that. Thank you for the sage advice.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I’m getting coffee.”

“I’ll take a tea, please and thank you.”

“You got it. I stole a few specimen cups while I was there. I’m gonna put creamer in them and leave them on the counter. Really freak out the squares.”

“Freak out the squares.”

“The porn was from the seventies. Some of it must have stuck.”

“So big hairy bushes?”

“Dudes dick had a mustache. It was glorious.”

“No.”

“And muttonchop sideburns. It was a pair of bell-bottoms from getting it’s own disco themed musical.”

“I don’t even have the words…”

“Don’t need words. Brown chicken brown cooooooow.”

“No. I’m gonna nope out of this immediately.”

“Should I write Ned or Ted on the cup of creamer?”

“Put you name on it. Selena will swoop in and take it in a second.”

“Bad Mona. No.”

“Because I’m right?”

“Yes.”

“Fine. Spoil sport.”

“Was I just the adult?”

“Fuck. I think so.”

“Jerk off into a cup and suddenly the whole world turns against you. Do it into a vase and no one bats an eye.”

“If you hadn’t admitted to not doing that I’d almost believe you.”

“I didn’t mean I did it.”

“Wait. Someone you know jerked off into a vase? Get back here and tell me why!”

“Can’t hear you, I’m going through a portal.”