Punctuation Talk With Mona

“Good morning sunshine.”

“It is definitely fucking morning.”

“Get up on the wrong side of the bed?”

“Got up period.”

“Uh oh. Someone’s a mister grumpy puss today.”

“Is this what we are doing today?”

“Seems like it.”

“I say no.”

“You’re out voted.”

“How? There are two of us. If anything it is a tie.”

“My vote counts as two.”

“Bull shit.”

“It does.”

“How?”

“It just does. Don’t question it.”

“You sound like my creepy uncle after a six pack at Christmas.”

“Eww.”

“I’m not sitting on your lap. Not this year. I am a grown man and I don’t have to.”

“Mike! Snap out of it.”

“Whoa.”

“Whoa is right. Jesus.”

“It is a tie.”

“My boobs get a vote.”

“Then my balls do too.”

“So we will call it three to two.”

“I told you that in confidence.”

“Told me what?”

“Exactly.”

“I’m so lost right now.”

“Just like lefty.”

“Your moral compass?”

“Memories. Like the corners of mind, Misty water colored…”

“No singing.”

“Afraid my dulcet tones will wile your panties off?”

“That is definitely not a concern.”

“We should do karaoke this weekend.”

“Hell to the no.”

“C’mon.”

“No.”

“Funny, Trudy says it sounds fun.”

“Over the line asshole.”

“We can duet Don’t Go Breakin My Heart.”

“Abso-fucking-lutely not.”

“I’ll get Chainsaw to come.”

“And do his Elvis? I would rather…”

“Rather what?”

“I don’t know. Something painful.”

“Pierce your labia together?”

“What?”

“You know, your… Lips?”

“I know what fucking labia are thank you very much.”

“Do you though?”

“Yes.”

“Beef curtains.”

“Bat wings.”

“Meat flaps.”

“Ear warmers.”

“Good morning Marie.”

“She isn’t there.”

“Really? She almost always shows up around this point.”

“Not today.”

“Huh.”

“It is odd.”

“Right.”

“Like she has a sixth sense.”

“Creepy multidirectional vision let’s her see into the fabric of reality.”

“Wow.”

“Too far?”

“Probably.”

“My bad.”

“You don’t feel bad. Not really.”

“What were we talking about? Hatchet wounds?”

“No.”

“Karaoke!”

“Two to one against karaoke.”

“I’m positive you don’t get two votes.”

“Sorry. The floor is closed.”

“I’m gonna look into this. Something fishy is going on.”

“I’ll have my people contact yours.”

“Sounds suspicious.”

“It isn’t.”

“That’s what I would say if I was doing something suspicious.”

“Which I am not.”

“And again.”

“I brought bagels.”

“Why?”

“Healthier than bear claws.”

“Because they are not as good.”

“Fine. Don’t have one.”

“I didn’t say I wasn’t going to have one. I just said bear claws are better.”

“I didn’t want to say this but you are getting a gut.”

“How dare you?”

“See it? I mean it is the elephant in the room.”

“Mona.”

“I’m just saying.”

“You’re just saying what? Choose the next words carefully.”

“Or what?”

“I will fucking pout the rest of the day.”

“Your metabolism isn’t what it used to be.”

“Careful.”

“And you have been drinking a lot.”

“Oh no you did not.”

“And it is catching up to you.”

“—”

“Don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Both chins quivering in rage.”

“Both chins? Both chins. I’ll have you know my beard hides the place a double chin would be if I had one. Which I do not.”

“Easy there big boy.”

“Big boy?”

“Fattie?”

“Why I never…”

“Say no to a bear claw. Or a shot. And thus we have reached this sad state.”

“Your words wound me deeply.”

“Have to if they want to reach the gooey center.”

“Mona. Bad Mona. No.”

“It’s not quite true. But getting there.”

“What’s the date today?”

“The twenty second.”

“Oh.”

“Oh what?”

“I get it now.”

“Get what?”

“You’re being mean because the cardinal is in town.”

“What?”

“Aunt Flo is visiting.”

“How do you know that?”

“I chart it.”

“You what?”

“You get mean as shit the first couple days. Look, it is all right here. I schedule my days off according to it.”

“According to my period?”

“Mona, you have an exclamation point, not a period.”

“I do not.”

“Okay.”

“Don’t okay me all dismissively.”

“It’s my fault.”

“My period is your fault?”

“Not calling in sick today. I brought the abuse on myself.”

“Sexist.”

“Honest.”

“I can’t believe you track my period.”

“I can’t believe I forgot.”

“Asshole.”

“Remember the chocolate last week?”

“Yes.”

“And you just happened to be craving it? Ever stop to ask yourself how I knew to bring it that day?”

“Mother fucker.”

“Genius.”

“Wait. Trudy is out of town the next couple days.”

“Odd.”

“You both do this?”

“I set up a reminder on her phone. Shouldn’t you guys be synced up by now?”

“I’m going to call her.”

“Stop. Wait a day or two. If you still feel upset wait a couple more.”

“Unbelievable.”

“Am I really getting chubby?”

“No. I felt bloated.”

“Because…”

“Fuck you.”

“If you insist. It is great for cramps.”

“No.”

“I have drank from the Red River.”

“Mike.”

“Gotten my blood wings.”

“Mike.”

“Good morning Marie. Missed you earlier. We were talking Arby’s for lunch.”

“You sicken me.”

“Now everything feels right again.”

“It does in a weird way.”

“Like the scales have been balanced somehow.”

“I can’t believe you both track my cycle.”

“Well I can’t believe you didn’t notice before.”

“Fair.”

“Yep.”

“When Trudy gets back and your moon blood is over we can go out singing.”

“I hate you.”

“Hey. Don’t go breaking my heart.”

“I couldn’t if I tried.”

“There’s my girl.”

“Whatever chunky monkey.”

“So mean. So unnecessary.”

“Don’t cry. The lonely fat guy sobbing is such a cliché.”

“Just give me a fucking bagel.”

7 thoughts on “Punctuation Talk With Mona

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