“Guess who got laid last night?”

“Oh God.”

“That’s right.”

“That poor girl.”

“Now that is just hurtful.”

“That isn’t what she said.”

“Ouch.”

“And again”

“Okay. No need to be mean.”

“That’s what you said when you pulled it out.”

“God damn it Mona. You’re killing my buzz here.”

“Sorry. It’s been so long I don’t know if the batteries in my vibrator died or if it just got bored and fell asleep.”

“There is always Marie.”

“Oh here we go. He’s got jokes today.”

“I’m serious. Have you seen her? She got her eye fixed.”

“Shut up.”

“I’m serious. She looks great. And straight at things. Which is great.”

“I’ll be right back.”

She didn’t. But she was asking about Mona. Be an asshole to me. I got laid. I am on top of the world. I’m Leo before the drowning because the selfish asshole couldn’t scoot over a foot.

“You fucking liar.”

“What? Why the accusation?”

“She didn’t get shit fixed you bastard.”

“I must have seen someone else. Hold on I am getting a text. Fuck.”

“What?”

“It’s Selene. Somehow she got my new number.”

“That’s odd. I didn’t even see her write it down when I gave it to her.”

“You heartless bitch.”

“My bad.”

“I gotta go to the store at lunch and get a new phone. I had forgotten what that looked like.”

“No more Arby’s.”

“Heartless. Bitch.”

“Well at least you just have a pic. I have a date with Marie tonight.”

“You asked her out?”

“She asked me.”

“Scissor time!”

“God I hope so.”

“Seriously?”

“It has been two months. I would consider your raisin at this point.”

“How about this?”

“Oh fuck. It does look like Arby’s.”

“See the horsey sauce?”

“I will never unsee it.”

“Welcome to hell my friend. Welcome to hell.”

“Do you think she just took that? Or did she have one loaded in the chamber for you?”

“Somethings aren’t worth questioning.”

“Make sure to give me your new number.”

“Heartless.”

“Fuck. I kind of want Arby’s now.”

“Bitch. You didn’t even ask.”

“About what?”

“The date last night.”

“You said you got laid. Figured that was it.”

“Twice.”

“Ooooh. Look at mister stamina. She let you do it twice?”

“Technically two and a half.”

“Inches?”

“I hope Marie strangles you.”

“Me too.”

“Grrrowl.”

“I think you just got a text.”

“I think it fell asleep.”

“What?”

“Your vibrator. I think it killed itself.”

“How did you have sex two and a half times?”

“Well. It had been a while…”

“So you finished before she knew it was happening?”

“Not quite. But close. So we had round two. And then Midway through round three…”

“The roofie wore off?”

“Fuck you need to get laid. Claws away kitty.”

“Sorry.”

“Halfway through round three…”

“It was her curfew and her dad honked the horn?”

“Never mind.”

“Awww. C’mon Mikey. Halfway through round three…”

“Nope.”

“Please.”

“No.”

“You know you want to tell me.”

“I don’t.”

“Okay.”

“Fine. Halfway through round three…”

“You popped her with your needle dick and she flew around the room.”

“I’m done with you today.”

The problem with a best friend at work is having to see their stupid face every day.

“Good morning sunshine.”

“Eat a bag of dicks.”

“No glorious sexual exploits this morning?”

“No. I got the new number at lunch and since no one recognizes it no one answered my texts.”

“Did you say it was Mike?”

“Funny thing. Really common first name.”

“What about your last name?”

“I am no fool. I don’t give my last name unless she is special.”

“And the two and a half timer wasn’t special?”

“Not until I was alone and really wanted that other half.”

“Serves you right. Pig.”

“Oink oink. Did you get the truffle last night Ms Piggy?”

“I did.”

“Deets?”

“A proper lady doesn’t tell of her conquests.”

“True. But I asked you.”

“Fair point. But still. No.”

“Is her brown eye cocked as well?”

“Asshole.”

“Potato tomato.”

“Still not the correct saying.”

“Meh.”

“Idiot. It was very nice.”

“Did you bring up the corrective procedure for the wonky eye?”

“Yes. Right as I went down on her.”

“A little yodel in the valley.”

“A light meal at the Y.”

“Clam diving.”

“Labial titallation.”

“Fish tacos for dinner.”

“But did you tongue punch her fart box?”

“Mike.”

“French kiss Lincoln.”

“Mike.”

“She’s behind me again.”

“Yep.”

“Morning Marie. Have a good night last night?”

“You are fucking disgusting.”

“Have a good day.”

“Asshole.”

“I think it is the bi-vision. Makes her preternaturally stealthy.”

“Not last night she wasn’t.”

“Give me five sister.”

“No.”

“Slap me some skin.”

“I will not.”

“Knucks?”

“Pass.”

“No, how many knuckles last night?”

“Enough.”

“Whole fist?”

“Oh hi Selene.”

“Not fucking funny.”

“Not to you.”

“And a fair point to you madam.”

“Flawless Victory.”

“That’s my line.”

“Not today. French kiss Lincoln?”

“Cause of his beard.”

“Oh. That is kinda true.”

“Right.”

But some days are worth it. Fine, most days.

“Did I ever tell you about my friend losing his virginity?”

“No.”

“You know Chainsaw.”

“Yep.”

“So he’s in the back seat of his car. And his girlfriend is really riding him.”

“What kind of car?”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay.”

“So she is riding him. But he doesn’t have a condom. So he yells he is gonna come and she launches off of him.”

“Makes sense.”

“Agree. But as she jumps off he moans.”

“Seems right.”

“It does. But then he comes. As he moans.”

“Again, pretty normal reaction.”

“Into his own mouth.”

“Shut the front door.”

“I will not.”

“His own mouth.”

“Yep.”

“Oh God.”

“Exactly.”

“No wonder he seems so gun-shy around women.”

“He has had some bad luck.”

“Didn’t start off well.”

“It didn’t get better.”

“Please tell.”

“So one day I am playing a video game and the phone rings.”

“Okay.”

“It is him. And he is screaming into the phone.”

“Oh no.”

“I tell him to calm down and ask what is wrong. He and his girlfriend we’re eating chips and habenero salsa.”

“I love habeneros.”

“Me too.”

“We should get some at lunch.”

“Yeah. That sounds good.”

“Anyway.”

“Oh right. So they were eating chips and salsa. And then they started to fool around.”

“The capsaicin must’ve gotten the blood flowing.”

“It did. Right up to the part where his girl decided to blow him.”

“Ouch.”

“So he calls me. Frantic. He is yelling that his dick is on fire.”

“And he called you?”

“I have been known to know a thing or two. Yes. He called me. Well this was a new one for me.”

“What did you tell him?”

“The only thing I could think of. To put his dick in a glass of milk.”

“Did it help?”

“Turns out he had already thought of that. So he is yelling at me on the phone with his dick in a glass of milk.”

“Oh my God. That is awesome.”

“Not for him so much.”

“No. I can see that.”

“Poor guy. And then he got herpes.”

“From the same girl?”

“No. From a shower.”

“Shut up.”

“I swear.”

“A shower?”

“You will believe he came in his own mouth. That he burned his dick and stuck it in milk. But not that he got herpes from a shower?”

“Yeah. It sounds made up.”

“It most certainly is not made up. And frankly I am offended at the accusation.”

“I’m sorry. Go on.”

“He cut his foot in a shower at a hostel in Ireland. When he got back his foot was always itching. We called it the European foot fungus.”

“But it wasn’t?”

“No it was not.”

“How did he find out?”

“Years later he went to the doctor and they did some blood work. The doctor asked him how long he had had herpes. He was shocked.”

“I can only imagine.”

“Right.”

“What did he do?”

“Explained it to the doctor. He had not been with a lot of ladies.”

“Not with his luck. Too many more and he may have died.”

“That was his thought on the matter. When he explained the European foot fungus to the doctor it all became clear.”

“He got herpes from a shower.”

“He did.”

“Wow.”

“Wanna go get some chips and salsa? Maybe a pint of Guinness?”

“Sounds good.”

“You’re buying. I left my wallet at home.”

“Why do you always suggest drinks when you leave your wallet at home?”

“I pay in stories.”

“Fine.”