A Booger and Mona

“Why do you have that look on your face?”

“What look?”

“The cat that stole the canary look.”

“I do not.”

“You most certainly do.”

“Chainsaw called me on the way in.”

“That is never good.”

“It most certainly is not.”

“So why the satisfied smirk?”

“I have never once in my life smirked.”

“You just did.”

“Did not.”

“I’m not doing this.”

“Me either. And I wasn’t doing it first. So nah.”

“So nah? What are you, eight?”

“I know you are but what am I?”

“That makes no sense.”

“Or does it?”

“No.”

“Now that I think about it, it really doesn’t. My bad.”

“Chainsaw?”

“Huh? Oh yeah. He got acid from this guy he knows.”

“This guy he knows?”

“He knows a lot of shady characters.”

“Starting with you.”

“Mean.”

“True.”

“Touche.”

“Acid? Like LSD?”

“Exactly like that.”

“I will repeat, what are you, eight?”

“An eight year old should not be taking acid.”

“Neither should a grown man.”

“We both know I am not a grown man.”

“And touche to you.”

“Right.”

“Ugh.”

“That reminds me. Did I ever tell you about the booger?”

“The booger?”

“It’s a booger?”

“What is?”

“The story.”

“Lord help me. No.”

“It is classic.”

“Go on then.”

“So it all starts with Chainsaw was a strict vegetarian for a long time.”

“Really?”

“Yep. Not sure why. Anyway it is Saturday and we decide to go out and cause some havok but we don’t have any ideas of what to do. So we go to visit Lin.”

“The guy who wants to be Batman?”

“Yep. He was working at the video store. We had hoped he might know of some mischief we could get into. When we get there he is chowing an Italian beef sandwich.”

“That makes me hungry just thinking about.”

“Same. We need to get them for lunch.”

“Yes we do.”

“Chainsaw sees the sandwich and starts drooling. He had been meat free like two years at this point. So he asks for a bite. And ends up eating like half of it.”

“How does this tie in to acid?”

“Well, unbeknownst to them, I had dropped acid right before Chainsaw picked me up.”

“Okay.”

“It kicked in as he was destroying the sandwich. Grease running down his chin. Animal noises.”

“I’ve seen him eat.”

“Disgusting. I know.”

“Putting it nicely.”

“So he now has the taste for meat again. And we decide to go get steak at this nice steak house. I finally admitted to dropping acid when he asked why I was staring at my hands so intently. He decides we should stay low key for the evening. Just steaks and maybe beers at my place.”

“He fell off the wagon hard. But it was sweet that he took your inebriation into the mix.”

“He does that. It is kind of his thing. I get all kinds of loosey goosey and he handles the heavy lifting. We get these beautiful steaks and proceeded to have a wonderful meal. Laughing our asses off the whole time. Causing an uproar.”

“He doesn’t strike me as the uproar type.”

“Ever hear of red rock?”

“No.”

“Synthetic opium. We were lacing our weed with it as we drove to the restaurant. Alright, I was lacing it. We were way fucked up. Hella fucked up, as the kids say.”

“What kids say that?”

“I’m sure some do somewhere.”

“I don’t think so. Not since the nineties.”

“Call it era appropriate slang then.”

“Fine.”

“The most important part of the meal, the thing fried into my memory was this lemon berry dessert. It was so rich. So decadent. It set off fireworks in my head with every bite. So much so I could only take like three bites because of mental overload.”

“That good?”

“The stuff dreams are made of. So we are loud and rowdy and they ask us to leave. It was a nice place filled with older couples and we are being a distraction. I may or may not have gotten off on a tangent that turned slightly inappropriate and they showed us the door. We get in the car and start smoking some more when Chainsaw gets a headache.”

“Ouch.”

“Right. So they just opened a new grocery store down the street and we decide to check it out and get him some aspirin. The acid had really kicked in at this point. I am rolling hard. Tripping balls. It is overwhelming my senses. I’m so very happy. The street lights were a solid line of pure Bliss above me. And when we pulled up to this gleaming Mecca of commerce I felt bouyant. We walk into the store and it is overly bright. Like stepping into heaven. And I see something horrifying.”

“A mirror.”

“Hush. I’m gorgeous. No. A five foot cockroach crawling under one of the shelves.”

“Five foot”

“Easily. It was huge. And I wanted out of there before it caught wind of delicious human meat. It is also dead quiet in there. Freaky quiet. We both notice it. I can hear the cockroaches scuttle about. I asked him if he saw it but he just glares at me. You know that glare he does? Like you are an idiot? Yeah, that one. So Chainsaw grabs his aspirin and we rush to the check out. It is like three bucks. He pays with a five. Hands it to the lady behind the register. And that is when it happens.”

“The cockroach?”

“Worse. So much worse.”

“What?”

“He hands the money to the lady and she grabs it. And then he is standing there with his hand out. And on his hand is now sitting a gigantic booger.”

“No way. It was the acid right?”

“Nope. So he is staring at it. She is staring at it. I am looking for giant cockroaches. Then I hear Chainsaw say, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a booger!”

“Fuck you.”

“I swear. As he says that I look and see the gleaming thing. It was huge and fresh. The lady behind the register begins to gag. I am aware I am experiencing a magical event. Time slows as we all stare at this thing sprouted upon his hand. Chainsaw starts sweating and yells out, Do you have a bathroom! I am very OCD and I cannot have a booger on me! Do you have a bathroom!”

“Oh my God.”

“I know. The lady is trying not to vomit and just points. Chainsaw runs to the bathroom. I am laughing my ass off. The lady quickly counts out his change and passes it to me. I can barely see through the tears I am laughing so hard.”

“The poor guy. Where did the booger come from?”

“That’s the question. It wasn’t his. So it had to be Her’s.”

“The only real answer.”

“That was what we decided. I even called her out on it but she just put her face in the trash can and retched. I waited for him by the bathroom door. The second he came out the laughter started again. He didn’t find it as amusing as I did.”

“I bet. Really ruins a night.”

“Naw. We went back to my place and smoked more dope with red rock mixed in. I had a glow in the dark marker that I coated my hands in and then rubbed them together and let the bits fall on the floor.”

“Why?”

“When I turned on the black light it looked like the stars on the carpet. Chainsaw ended up on his knees yelling he was in the cosmos. It was a great time.”

“It sounds terrible.”

“Well without the drugs it does. With drugs it was glorious. Full bellies from steak. Minds on another plane. Chainsaw at one with the cosmos.”

“I have always wondered, why do you call him Chainsaw?”

“One night we were getting high and watching a movie and he turned to me, dead pan, and said, call me Chainsaw. It stuck from there.”

“That’s it?”

“Pretty much. Same night he looked at me. Deadly serious like and said, I would suck a dick to kill a man.”

“Whoa.”

“Yeah. He is an awesome friend.”

“Sounds like it.”

“I choose to ignore the sarcasm. He is right up there with you on my list of two people I would not kill if given the chance.”

“I’m honored.”

“You should be. Wanna drop acid with us this weekend?”

“Sounds great.”

“Really?”

“No.”

“Boo.”

“You and Chainsaw can fight giant cockroaches and boogers without me.”

“Your loss.”

“It really isn’t.”

“It could be.”

“It won’t be.”

“You’re probably right.”

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