A Bonus Mona for a Sunday

“Weekend work? Are you fucking serious?”

“Don’t get me started. I had to cancel brunch with Trudy to be here.”


“Yes. What?”

“Well. Just make up your mind. Sleep in and have a leisurely lunch or be a grown up and get up too damned early on a day off and make pancakes.”

“You are going to tell anyone to grow up?”

“Hey. I make a mean Mickey Mouse pancake. With a garnish of cereal and omelette fromage.”

“Those cooking classes did nothing for you.”

“No they did not. I have the pallet of the dollar menu.”



“It’s cheese slices, isn’t it? The kind in plastic that contains no real cheese?”

“Not anymore. I grate my cheese from a block.”


“Damn it Mona, it’s a block. Ish. It’s a quivering pseudo cheese in rectangular form.”

“You think the parmesan in the green bottle is fancy too I bet.”

“Makes my sketti-ohs pop like a nina in a back alley.”

“No. Stop. Too early. Too angry. What’s in the bag?”

“This bag?”

“No asshole the other bag. Yes that bag. The only bag you have.”


“The fuck you say?”

“I stood in line for an hour this morning to get us cro-nuts.”

“What was the embarrassing joke you terrified people with?”

“None. I drank coffee and stood silently.”


“Well it is funny that it sounds like castrating cro-magnons.”

“Oh no.”

“Doesn’t it? Like who really thinks croissant and donut hybrid?”

“Anyone that knows what they are. Mostly.”

“Well you’d be right.”

“Did you say it out loud.”

“Of course not. What do you think I am, an idiot?”

“Actually. Yes.”

“Well I’m not.”

“What didn’t they say when you certainly didn’t say it?”

“Well there was a bit of a language barrier…”

“You didn’t say it the nice Vietnamese ladies?”

“No. Of course not.”

“Of course not.”

“But if I did…”

“Just skip to the end, are you and by extension, I, now banned from the best donuts in the city?”


“God damn it Mike.”

“See. She didn’t get the joke. And it felt really funny to me. So I used two don’t holes to try and drive the point home ”


“And I was making caveman noises and kind of hopping…”


“Because a good joke no laughs at is an angel that loses their wings Mona. A goddamn wingless angel falling from a cloud.”

“You’re so special Mike. So special.”

“Thank you.”

“Not what I…”

“It’s nice to be acknowledged sometimes. I am special. It isn’t my fault some of my jokes are too high brow for the world at large. And it was a convincing caveman. And the donut holes really brought it all home. Maybe it was too early in the morning.”

“No. It wasn’t.”

“Or the long line behind me.”

“Not a factor, no.”

“But inside this bag is the finest convenience store bear claws two for a dollar can buy.”

“But, cro-nuts…”

“Oh, I got the cro-nuts. The last four in fact to the dismay of my captive audience.”

“Yet I’m going to eat a shitty bear claw because…”

“I gave them away Mona.”

“Why the fuck would you do that to me?”

“There was this girl…”

“Your dick has never been near me but managed to fuck me anyway!”

“No. A little girl. Like eight.”

“You sick bastard.”

“God damn it Mona. She was right behind me in line. And she laughed at my dance. And then when she found out there were no more delicacies…”

“You gave them to her instead.”

“They looked gross. Smelled like garbage.”

“And you decided they weren’t good enough.”

“Not for our sophisticated tongues. Not at all worthy.”

“So we’re not banned?”

“Nope. Humor always wins the day.”

“How can you be so stupid and sweet at the same time?”


“What did they look like?”

“Oh they were perfect. Just like real balls. I even put the bigger one on the right side.”


“Yes. The right one stores the semen. The left one facilitates production. I think. Or something.”

“Not the donut hole balls.”

“Then what?”

“The fucking cro-nuts, asshole.”

“Fluffy and delicious. Dusted with cinnamon and sugar.”

“You made that little girl’s morning I bet.”

“I like to think the sugar rush ruined her parents morning.”

“So win win?”


“It’s times like this I’m glad I stopped poisoning your coffee.”

“It’s times like this I’m glad you never get me coffee.”


“Bear claw?”

“Thank you sir.”

“Donut holes?”

“Never again.”

“Your loss.”

“Hey. This isn’t a bear claw.”

“No it is not. Enjoy my friend.”

“But you said you gave the last of them away.”

“They had four. I gave three of them away to the girl and her parents.”

“But you have a shitty bear claw.”

“I have two shitty bear claws. You have the last cro-nut.”


“Because I love you boo. And you had to give up your brunch to be stuck with me.”

“Split it?”

“Naw. I’m too sophisticated for that.”

“You are special Mike.”

“I know. I had to wear a helmet as a kid.”

“Not what I meant.”

“Sure it is. Now eat. I’ll grab coffee.”

I’m not the easiest person to get along with. It doesn’t shut off and even when it should I go at a thousand miles per hour. I get it. It annoys me too. I’m not a good person at all. Doesn’t mean I don’t want to be. Just that I can’t. But Mona is a good person. And maybe once in a while I can try to be too.


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