Deflecting Mona

“How are you holding up Mikey?”

“I’m good. Why, what did you hear? Did a doctor call and say something?”

“A doctor? No. Wait. Why would you ask that?”

“Why would you ask how I am holding up?”

“What about a doctor?”

“How am I holding up?”

“What the fuck is happening?”

“Gut instinct to that question. Seems like something you ask the terminally ill. Oh shit. I need a will. And a lawyer.”

“Or terminally fucking stupid. Did you go to a doctor recently? And you don’t have anything of value.”

“No. Did one call? And what about my action figure collection?”

“No. And no one wants your dolls.”

“Thank goddess. Also, they are not fucking dolls. The nerve.”

“You nearly gave me a heart attack!”

“You nearly gave me one.”

“I meant because of Judy.”

“What about her?”

“Well she is moving to Venezuela for a year. Seems like a big deal. And you haven’t said a word about it. It makes me worry.”

“She is doing what?”

“Are you serious?”

“Are you?”

“No. It sucks but it is a real opportunity for her. Who am I to stand in the way of her gaining this experience?”

“Surprisingly adult of you.”

“Eww. Take that back.”

“I will not. It is.”

“Is not. Is not is not is not!”

“And magically you have rebounded back to your normal ways.”

“Ta da!”

“That wasn’t a compliment.”

“For my next trick I will need two titties in my hands. Does anyone in the crowd have breasts I can fondle? You there, the one with the disapproving face. Step right up and unleash the mammories. Don’t worry, it is purely scientific. I have a degree.”

“Not this shit again.”

“Don’t be jealous. It is very prestigious. I double majored in college.”

“At Harvard.”

“Yes indeed.”

“Why do I do this? What was your second major?”

“A PHD in Cunnilingual Arts.”

“I’m done with you.”

“Said every woman I have ever met. But not before experiencing my collegiate efforts.”

“For good reason. You are impossible. Always have a joke or story. But there is pain those eyes.”

“There is nothing in these eyes.”

“Keep telling yourself that.”

“I really liked her Mona. A lot.”

“She’ll be back.”

“She will meet a dusty skinned cowboy and fall madly in love. She has a type.”

“She has been dating you. And you are not dusty skinned or a cowboy.”

“I didn’t say I was her type.”

“Did you try and convince her to stay?”

“Why would I do that?”

“Why wouldn’t you?”

“I’m not selfish.”

“You are.”

“I am. But not when it counts.”

“And how do you decide that?”

“My left nut tells me.”

“Your left nut. No. I refuse to feed into this.”

“My right nut tells me to burn things. It likes fire.”

“I am not playing this game. Lalalalala.”

“Where did you learn my secret technique?”

“Lalalalala?”

“Yes. That is the exact noise I make as I do go down.”

“I hope you are joking.”

“Why? It works. Stick with the stuff that works.”

“You are hopeless.”

“I’m serious. I put my mouth on her vaginal region…”

“Vaginal region.”

“Roughly.”

“Roughly?”

“Not rough roughly. I meant roughly on her vaginal region. The groin area.”

“Oh my God.”

“Safe distance back. Like a three inch cushion.”

“So not even making contact.”

“Eww. Gross. I just sort of sit back and lalalalala at it until she reaches climax.”

“And that works?”

“Ten, maybe fifteen percent of the time. I also make the alphabet with my tongue. In cursive. From a respectable distance.”

“Have you even seen a vagina?”

“On television. And the internet. And Selene sends pics still.”

“In person?”

“Oh no. That sounds horrifying. Babies come out of there. And pee. Not that I mind a little water sports.”

“You did not just go there.”

“Babies? I know disgusting.”

“Not the fucking babies. Water play.”

“You’ve never been pissed on?”

“No.”

“Drank from the golden fountain?”

“Mike.”

“Just gargled it a little? It is sterile to drink one time.”

“Mike!”

“Oh. Good morning Marie.”

“Asshole.”

“Have a great day Marie.”

“Disgusting asshole.”

“I swear she should be a ninja. Maybe that’s what happened to her eye. Stray shuriken.”

“You were just kidding right?”

“No. They are deadly. Throwing stars are banned in places.”

“Not about that.”

“Oh yeah, that. I get my whole face on it. Nibble that nub. It isn’t over til my beard drips.”

“I meant the pee part.”

“No. It is completely sterile one time.”

“You need a priest.”

“To pee on me? No thank you. Only drink from the clam.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“So much. So very much.”

“I know.”

“Thank goodness I have you to talk to about it. Like therapy but you don’t try and touch my winky when you hypnotize me.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Don’t be. It is nice.”

“I cannot tell when you are serious or not anymore. It has all blended into this fog of ridiculousness.”

“Thank you.”

“It isn’t a compliment.”

“It isn’t?”

“No.”

“Felt like a compliment.”

“It wasn’t. Not even a little.”

“If you say so.”

“I do. Vigorously.”

“Like a hand job from a clown.”

“Were you dropped as child?”

“Can you see the scar?”

“Yes. Looks like a cat clawed you your head.”

“That was from the coat hanger.”

“No.”

“I’m a survivor. Dodging back and forth in the womb.”

“No.”

“Eye of the tiger?”

“Not today Satan.”

“I feel bad for him.”

“Satan?”

“Yeah. Poor guy is always being cast out or told not today. Just once I bet he wishes someone would say, alright Satan. Today.”

“You really will do or say anything to deflect, won’t you?”

“Deflect what?”

“Your feelings.”

“I have none. Take it back.”

“It is only a year. You’ve been single way longer than that.”

“Thanks. I had almost forgotten.”

“Sorry.”

“You’re not. I think I might have l worded her.”

“Lesbian?”

“Once. No.”

“Levitate?”

“Hmm. Not that I recall.”

“Not love.”

“Yep.”

“Holy shit. Did you tell her?”

“No way Jose.”

“Why not? She might have decided to stay.”

“And always held it against me? No. That is not how things should be done.”

“Wow. There is more to you than sexual innuendo sometimes.”

“Innuendo? The Italian suppository?”

“And he deflects again.”

“Defense mechanism.”

“No shit.”

“I know. The words come out before I know they are there.”

“So you might love her?”

“She makes me happy. Made me happy. Soon she will be fucking a Venezuelan on the back of an alpaca.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Alpacas are more Peruvian and Chile.”

“Well there is always that.”

“Silver linings.”

“Thunderclouds.”

“You should tell her.”

“You think she’ll piss on me?”

“You are an asshole.”

“Minored in Excessive Assology.”

“A double major and a minor. Yet you are stuck here with me.”

“Just wasn’t a practical field to pursue.”

“I can see that.”

“Got burned out making porn in college.”

“Really?”

“Yep. Two hundred movies and I retired.”

“A loss for the industry.”

“It was. I was a top notch fluffer.”

“Stop.”

“I did. My jaw got sore. It was a long weekend.”

“I hate you.”

“Aw. Kisses boo.”

“It is hatred. A deep seated, burning hatred.”

“Keep going. My right nut loves burning stories.”

“Where do you and your balls want lunch?”

“Taco Bell?”

“Gross. Seriously?”

“Fire sauce.”

“I’m noping out of this right now.”

“But my broken heart. And the doctor.”

“Nope.”

“Let’s just drink at lunch.”

“Now you are making sense.”

“One problem.”

“You did not forget your wallet again.”

“Yeah I did. But did I ever tell you about the time I got laid at Woodstock?”

“Fine. Tell me at lunch.”

“You’re gonna love it. She had a name, I don’t remember it but she had one.”

“At lunch.”

“It was nineteen ninety nine…”

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