Mornings With Mona

“Good morning sleepy head.”


“Bad night?”


“Too much drinky drinky?”


“I love our morning chats.”


“Go get coffee. Leave the caveman in the break room.”

“Sazzafrazz. Rogga.”

“Yes please. Hazelnut creamer if there is any left.”


“No. I already ate. Thanks though.”


I’m not quite the morning person I wish I was. Insomnia and sleep aids make it a difficult time. Thank goddess for Mona.

Three cups later…

“…and I had to explain that sucking wasn’t really what should be done. It is a term, not literally what you do. It was painful.”

“Where did you meet her?”

“Christian Mingle.”

“But you are a very staunch atheist.”

“Any port in a storm.”

“The depths you have sunk too.”

“She said she could save my soul.”

“By trying to suck it out of you?”

“I should have asked more questions. Clearly.”


“In hindsight…”

“Hindsight? So all you saw was her ass. When will you learn?”

“I’m a leg man. It just so happens she had a very nice ass. It is an extension of the legs. And she really did try and help me see god.”


“Well. She was sitting on my face and got a little too into it. I think she took my slapping her ass as encouraging. I blacked out for a second I think.”

“I liked you better before coffee.”


“Did you give her your last name?”

“I blacked out for a second. It is all hazy.”

“Did you give her your first name?”

“I may have gotten brain damage. The brain is very sensitive.”

“So no.”

“Damnit Mona. I can’t remember my childhood.”

“You were born a poor black child on the south side.”

“Then why am I white? Do I have Michael Jackson disease?”

“You mean your dad beat the shit out of you and your brothers?”

“I have brothers?”

“Thank God no.”

“It’s coming back to me. So many mistakes. So many ladies pleasured.”

“You definitely have brain damage.”

“Are you sure?”

“Honestly. No. You seem about the same as always.”

“Ruggedly handsome. Brilliant.”

“Fucking annoying.”

“Tomato Miscatto.”

“Brain damage.”

“I need more coffee.”

“And a lobotomy.”


“I know where that mouth has been.”

“Kind of makes sense why they use the fish symbol. In hindsight.”

“Eww. You didn’t tongue punch her fart box.”

“It was right there. Practically begged me to.”

“What did she do?”

“Nearly drowned me.”

“You disgust me.”

“You asked.”

“And regretted it.”

“Me too Mona. Me too.”

I had been going through a dark period. One of those periods where you begin to doubt everything and wonder how you got to where you are.

“What happened to you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Your neck looks like you were attacked by an octopus.”

“It is noticable.”

“Unless you have scurvy, yes.”

“God damn it.”

“What happened?”

“I was at the bar.”

“And a rogue vacuum attacked you?”

“No. Sort of. No.”

“What happened?”

“Selene happened.”

“How did she find you?”

“I checked into the bar on Facebook.”

“You are friends with her on Facebook?”

“I don’t follow her and forgot.”


“I forgot.”

“And she attacked you?”

“Not exactly.”

“You didn’t?”

“I might have.”

“What were you thinking?”

“I wasn’t. Clearly.”

“But Arby’s.”

“Beef and cheddar.”


“To be fair, I was drunk off my ass.”

“She didn’t spend the night did she?”

“Is that a new blouse?”

“Yes. She didn’t did she?”

“New lipstick?”

“Are you fucking stupid?”

“I mentioned being drunk. You should be proud of me. We did not have sex.”

“Whiskey dick?”

“No. Yes but that wasn’t why.”


“Really. I told her it just wasn’t meant to be.”

“And your neck?”

“She did it after I passed out. To mark me she said.”

“I guess she didn’t take no for an answer.”

“We had an even longer talk this morning. She understands.”

“Does she?”


“What did you say?”

“That I am in love.”

“She bought that?”

“Hook line and sinker.”

“And who is the lucky lady?”

“Now that is the funny part.”

“How so?”

“I may have said it was you.”

“You fucking did what?”

“I froze.”

“You told her you are in love with me?”

“It is perfect. You are off limits to me. And I am off limits to her. A twofer.”

“You bastard.”

“Like there aren’t already rumors about is going around. Besides, no one will believe her.”

“I hate those rumors. Like a man and a woman cannot be friends in this day and age without eventually fucking.”


“Don’t right me. I am not happy with you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re not.”

“A little.”

“Not even a little.”

“A smidge.”


“Yes dear.”

“Don’t call me dear.”

“Yes honey.”

“I swear to God.”


“Too far.”


“I will shove a potato up your dumb ass.”


“Damn right it is.”

“I will just be quiet then.”

“Probably for the best.”

“If this relationship is going to work…”


“There has to some give and some…”

“Boy. I swear I will staple your lips together.”

“Mikey likes it rough.”




“The safe word is more.”

“No. Wait. What? More? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Nothing a little punishment can’t fix.”

“Lord. Why do I even bother with this one.”

“If he answers you ask him about that winning lottery ticket I prayed for.”

“That isn’t how prayer works Mike.”

“And how does prayer work, Mona?”

“Not today Satan. Not today.”

“Ask him about the lottery ticket too. Offered my soul for one.”


“Ignoring me isn’t going to work.”


“Fine. I’ll allow it. This once.”

“How gracious of you.”

“Knew you couldn’t ignore me boo. Now about our wedding…”


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