Mona Seethes

“He sat at his desk, jowls quivering in rage.”

“What are you doing?”

“He glared at his former best friend with ill intent.”

“Mona. What the fuck. You are still my best friend.”

“He shouted at her, face flushed a deep shade of crimson. Ripples dancing across his porcine body.”

“Fine. I do not care.”

“He gives up. A lone tear trails down his cheek, across his chins to fall with greasy plop on to the desk.”

“I am not fat and my tears are not made of grease.”

“Denial sings like a choir from his trembling voice.”

“This is about the short story, isn’t it? I said I was sorry.”

“His words ring hollow, empty of meaning.”

“What do you want me to do? Grovel? I’ll fucking beg. It was meant to be funny. You’re just being mean spirited.”

“Ahem. Her shoes clearly showed her sexually preference. Her eyes brooked no tolerance of bullshit.”

“Both true.”

“Let me finish, motherfucker.”

“Yes ma’am. Sorry.”

“It was her predilection for Star Trek and lazy eyed women that set her apart from the normal.”


“She was a master of the lost art of scissoring. A queen of the arts of shearing two pulsing clits together.”

“Technically you haven’t really gone into detail so I took creative license.”

“You made me a sex starved Star Trek fan that scissors all the time.”

“That doesn’t take any shit.”

“Why did you have to write about me? God knows you have enough fucked up shit of your own to air to the world.”

“You’re my bestest friend.”

“Doesn’t feel that way.”

“But you kick ass and save the day.”

“I do what now?”

“You’re the hero. How far did you read?”

“Basically all that I just read out loud.”

“Oh. Well. That makes sense then.”

“It gets better?”

“It did.”


“You were just pretty mean to me. I might need to make some revisions.”

“Hold on. Let me finish it first.”

“But my jowls. They quiver in anger.”

“That was going a little far.”

“My tears are greasy.”

“Yeah. Ummm.”



“I was willing to beg.”

“Yeah. No.”

“You can be nearly un-fucking-bearable sometimes, Mona.”

“Go ahead and look.”

“At what?”

“Your phone. It has buzzed four times, each time your hand twitches. And no, Mike, I don’t care who she is or how many times you had disgusting sex in what I’m sure was public.”

“If you don’t count the mishap at the cooking class, I’ve only had sex in public once. More or less.”

“I don’t want to know.”

“It was at the museum.”

“I don’t care.”



“Bear claw?”

“Sure. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, Mona.”

“Which one?”

“There are four of them, I don’t care. Lady’s choice?”

“Not the best claws, the museum.”

“You don’t care.”

“Which one, asshole?”

“Science and Industry.”

“At least the bathrooms are clean there.”

“Not in the bathroom. Gross.”

“Parking lot?”


“In the actual museum?”


“Not the coal mine ride.”

“No, but intriguing.”

“I’m sorry I called you fat. Okay? Your tears aren’t greasy.”

“How many chins?”

“Where in the fucking museum, Mike?”

“The heart.”

“The big one you can walk through?”

“Uh huh. Right ventricle.”


“Difficult, yes. Not impossible.”

“Lord help me, how?”

“She had a short skirt on. Panties slid to side.”

“Kids go there.”

“I was practically a kid myself. We were eighteen.”


“Not at the time.”

“What about the other people?”

“At first there weren’t any. It was early.”

“At first?”

“I mean they started to trickle in.”

“And you continued?”

“Do you know how many men die from blue balls a year?”


“Probably. But it is uncomfortable.”

“How many people trickled in?”

“A few. Turns out it was a holiday.”

“Which one?”

“Pulaski Day.”

“So schools were out.”

“But lessons were still learned.”

“You should be in prison. Or a mental facility.”



“Meh. Tomato potato, Mona. Besides, that was another life ago. I still remember the way her moans sounded in the aorta. Ethereal.”

“As a crowd watched.”

“Just a family from Wisconsin. It was tight quarters in there.”

“Those poor people.”

“The dad seemed to approve.”

“What the fuck.”

“I turned back and saw them and he maintained eye contact.”

“Oh god.”

“Yeah. For a second it was a staring competition. Creepily intense.”

“Prison. Mental facility. Both. You didn’t finish though, right?”

“A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.”

“This is literally the opposite of that. The exact opposite.”

“Shit. You’re right. Fuck me. Yeah. That was the least awkward part.”

“That was the least awkward part?”

“We ran into the family at the echo wall.”

“The one that you can hear people on the other side of the room?”

“Yep. We were at one end, minding our own business.”

“Afterglow still shining.”

“I was beaming like a star for sure. Then we heard the wife tell the husband to get security.”

“Of course. They should have earlier.”


“Sexual deviant.”

“Sticks and stones, Mona.”


“Anyway. The husband asks the wife if she remembers the Fourth of July.”


“Right. The wife got all flustered and then angrily said fine.”

“I wonder what happened on the Fourth.”

“I did too.”

“You didn’t.”

“Didn’t what?”

“Ask through the echo wall.”

“I asked through the echo wall.”

“You have no shame at all.”

“Is that like a conscience?”

“You’re the worst, Michael.”



“The fourth?”

“Your phone buzzed again. You look twitchy. Yes. The fourth.”

“Well, it seems they got friendly on the blanket at the fireworks.”


“And they used the rhythm of the explosions to hide the moans.”


“I said the same thing!”

“It feels dirty sharing sentiments with you.”

“I bet.”


“They announced the finale over the loudspeakers, so the two of them started really going. Except.”


“Only the first salvo fired. The rest were duds. The only finale the crowd got was theirs on the blanket.”



“And he told you all of this through the echo wall at the museum?”

“It was like a confessional.”

“You two really bonded.”

“We shared a moment.”

“Alright then, who is it?”

“I didn’t get their names, we didn’t have that kind of moment. We don’t send Christmas cards to each other. That’s weird.”

“On your phone.”

“A friend.”

“Friends don’t make you smile like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like an idiot. Only ladies have that affect. And not in a long time. Who is it?”

“A close friend.”

“Oh my god.”


“Look me in the eyes and tell me who she is.”

“Someone special.”

“Is it true?”

“Is what true?”

“It is! I can’t believe this.”

“I don’t know what you’re getting at, Mona.”

“You’re falling in love.”

“I am not. I promise.”

“I can’t believe this.”

“Stop. I am not falling in love, okay?”

“I know.”

“Thank you. Eat another bear claw, you’re officially eating for two.”

“I am not pregnant.”

“Yeah, but I have at least two chins.”

“You do not. I was upset.”

“And you’re not now?”

“How could I be? You’re in love.”

“For fucks sake, I said I’m not falling in love.”

“Because you already have.”

“Mona, seriously?”

“You can answer her now. But you will tell everything after.”

“You are relentless.”

“Especially when I am correct.”

“Delusion isn’t just a river in Egypt.”

“That is wrong in a few different ways.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Ask your girlfriend then.”

“Ha. Ha. Ha.”

“Me thinks the lady doth protest too much.”

“That reminds me of the time my friend Patrick got pegged.”

“The quiet Texan?”


“Did you remember your wallet today?”

“I did!”

“Holy shit.”

“But I lost my debit card.”

“That seems right. I’ll buy lunch and you can tell me all about your lady.”

“That’s extortion!”

“That wasn’t a no.”





“Am I really getting fat?”

“He asked, desperately.”

“I am going to restroom.”

“He said, grabbing his phone to tell his girlfriend he loves her. Probably with hearts.”

“You are mean. And an extortionist. I am the good one.”

“He lied to himself as he moved his girth towards the door, slowly sloshing in his too tight shirt.”

“Are you fucking serious?”

“No. Go text her. Tell her I said hello.”

“I will. Read the rest of the story Mona. I’ll be back.”

“To tell me about Patrick and his pegging.”

“Alleged pegging. By a little person.”


“Yep. On my phone he is listed as SW. Stands for Snow White. Be back soon.”


“Always leave em wanting more, Mona. Give them a taste first.”

3 thoughts on “Mona Seethes

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