Three years and fifty one weeks ago

“Good morning.”

“I’ve made a huge mistake.”

“Is this how we start our morning?”

“With you being pleasant and me running from crisis to crisis? God, I hope not.”

“What crisis?”

“I’m an idiot.”

“It’s only been a week but I think I can agree to that statement.”

“That’s fair.”

“I thought so. What’s the crisis?”

“Remember that cute girl, Selene?”

“Yes.”

“Well I made a huge mistake.”

“How so?”

“Well. See. Here’s the thing. Um…”

“Is this going to be a sex talk?”

“Sex?”

“Oh man.”

“What is this sex you speak of?”

“No one has had this talk with you?”

“What talk?”

“See Mike, when a man and woman or a woman and woman or even a man and a man are in love…”

“That reminds me. Is scissoring a real thing?”

“Excuse me?”

“Scissoring. See, two ladies spread their legs and then they position their…”

“I am well aware of what scissoring is.”

“So it is real?”

“I don’t know if I feel like we are at a place in our relationship to talk about things like that?”

“We aren’t?”

“It’s been a week.”

“Oh.”

“What happened with Selene?”

“Well. Now I’m concerned we aren’t at that place either.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah. We’re at one of those crossroads. And not the kind you see Easy E at either.”

“You like Bone Thug?”

“I love hip hop.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Why?”

“You seem more of an angry rock guy.”

“Racist.”

“What? How am I racist?”

“You see me as a white guy with a shaved head and automatically assume my playlist is all angry rock. That’s racism Mona. In this day and age…”

“That is not racist.”

“Don’t worry. I’m used to it.”

“Oh are you?”

“Yes. Sadly. Growing up a poor black boy on the south side teaches you these awful truths.”

“Poor. Okay. But you are practically see through you are so white.”

“Again the hurtful scorn of racism.”

“Really?”

“It’s cool. Unlike you, I don’t see color.”

“Are you fucking kidding?”

“No. As a kid they just bought me one crayon and I colored everything with it.”

“Jesus help me.”

“I think he has a thing against racism as well. He was the only white guy with blue eyes in a land of predominantly brown people.”

“I thought you don’t see color?”

“But I pay attention to history.”

“How do you keep turning this around on me?”

“I’m not Mona. I wouldn’t do that. I assume you just don’t know better.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“Oh you and your barbs. How they sting as you so carelessly launch them.”

“I’m not the bad guy here.”

“Is scissoring real?”

“Yes. What?”

“I knew it!”

“How in the hell…”

“And that means our relationship is proceeding nicely.”

“First I’m a racist and then I’m talking scissoring. How did this happen?”

“What?”

“Nothing. What happened with you and Selene?”

“We went on a date earlier this week.”

“Okay.”

“And then we went on another.”

“Wow. Okay.”

“And then we went on another.”

“That’s fast.”

“And then she stayed the night.”

“Damn. You’re fast.”

“Why? What did she say?”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“What is happening?”

“Anyway.”

“I’m so lost.”

“I made a mistake.”

“I don’t know what’s going on.”

“Keep up. She spent the night.”

“And what was the mistake?”

“She brought her toothbrush.”

“That’s just good hygiene.”

“It is. But she didn’t know she was spending the night. Or I didn’t know she was.”

“And?”

“And? That was premeditated.”

“Women have needs too.”

“I get that. And I satisfied those needs.”

“Ew.”

“Well sort of.”

“That sounds more plausible.”

“That wasn’t the mistake.”

“Might have been for her.”

“Nope.”

“What was the mistake?”

“She left the toothbrush.”

“So?”

“So? What do you mean?”

“She forgot it.”

“No she did not. I said to her, hey you forgot your toothbrush.”

“Okay.”

“And she said it is fine she’d need it in the morning.”

“Whoa.”

“Yeah.”

“That is fast.”

“Too fast.”

“Way too fast.”

“Yeah.”

“And what did you say?”

“I didn’t know what to say.”

“She dumbfounded you?”

“She dumbfounded me.”

“So she’s staying again tonight?”

“I don’t know.”

“What did you do to her?”

“Normal stuff. Mostly vanilla stuff.”

“Mostly?”

“Maybe a little assplay.”

“Assplay?”

“A little.”

“What’s going on seriously? Is there a camera? Are you pranking me?”

“What do you mean?”

“We’ve known each other a week and you are confiding assplay with another co-worker?”

“You told me about scissoring being real.”

“You tricked me.”

“I did not.”

“You got me all turned around.”

“We were talking.”

“You are impossible.”

“I’ve forgiven you for being racist already. How can you not just listen to my problems.”

“I’m not racist…”

“We are well on the path to practically being family.”

“We’re really not.”

“And sometimes family has to talk about the awkward stuff.”

“Not my family.”

“Well your family does now.”

“I need to a new office.”

“Because of my color?”

“No. Would you stop with that? Someone is going to head you.”

“Oh, it always gets exposed.”

“There is nothing to get exposed.”

“So what do I do?”

“About what? I think I lost the thread.”

“About Selene.”

“Oh yeah. Um. Tell her no?”

“Tell her no. That might just work.”

“You didn’t think of that yourself?”

“To be fair, I was dumbfounded.”

“True.”

“I’m going to text her and tell her I have plans this evening.”

“Smart. That way she can’t get into your head.”

“Right. And sent.”

“Now we just wait.”

“Yep. Thanks Mona.”

“You’re welcome. I think.”

“And she has replied.”

“What did she say?”

“It’s a picture.”

“Of what. Why are you blushing?”

“I made a huge mistake.”

“Let me see.”

“You don’t want to.”

“I think I do.”

“I warned you.”

“Oh!”

“Told you.”

“Wow.”

“Once seen it cannot be unseen.”

“Wow.”

“Now you’re dumbfounded too.”

“Do you think she just took that?”

“I don’t know.”

“You may have made a huge mistake.”

“I tried to tell you that.”

“You did.”

“Want to go somewhere that serves drinks at lunch?”

“I sort of do now.”

“Me too.”

“Mike?”

“Yes Mona?”

“Is this what your family is like?”

“I guess so. It might have something to do with me.”

“You think?”

“Barely.”

“I believe that.”

“It hurts when I do.”

“That too.”

“Think it’s me?”

“Yes.”

“Me too. But Mona?”

“What?”

“You’re pretty cool. I’m glad you got stuck with me.”

“I’m not so sure.”

“We’ll work that racism out of you somehow. It’ll just take time.”

“I hate you.”

“The definition of family.”