Dating With Mona

“I’ve got a date tonight.”

“A real date, or one of those sort of dates that is really an excuse for sex?”

“A real date.”

“With whom?”

“With whom? Hoighty toighty. With whooooom.”

“This is reaching my limits of interest, Mona.”

“Marie in accounting.”

“Lazy eye Marie?”

“I like to think she is multitasking Marie.”

“She can have sex with you and watch television at the same time.”

“Keep her from getting bored.”

“Where are you gonna go?”

“Dinner and a movie.”

“Make it a double feature and she can watch both at the same time.”

“Not helpful.”

“Not trying.”

“So that is your way of saying I shouldn’t go?”

“Mona, you do you.”

“Kinda getting bored of doing me”

“Hand to gland combat with no decisive victory?”

“Nearly flicked the bean clean off.”

“Wow. That is some serious flicking. Have you tried sitting on your hand until it goes numb?”

“Lacks the dexterity necessary for completion.”

“Sounds about right. Get it girl. Make her come so hard she sees straight.”

“Asshole.”

“Just as many nerve endings as the vagina.”

“Why do I bother?”

“No one else will tell you the truth.”

“True.”

She wants me to put the kabash on this. I can tell. She is reaching the limits of the office dating pool. And the waters were already shallow to begin with. Even in desperation.

Neither of us can go to the fifth floor any longer. Too many mistakes.

“Remember that time you hooked up with Wanda?”

“Wanda C or Wanda V?”

“You had both?”

“I am so very lonely.”

“Desperate.”

“Tomato potato.”

“I don’t think that is the expression.”

“Are you sure?”

“Not really.”

“So it could be.”

“Possibly.”

“Right.”

“Ugh. I meant Wanda C.”

“The ray gun incident.”

“What?”

“We were getting heated. Her kid walked in…”

“I don’t recall this.”

“I slid into her. He slid the ray gun into me. Pew pew pew.”

“You or the gun?”

“Both. It is the male g-spot.”

“Oh no.”

“No. I mean it is but I didn’t. And it did. And it wasn’t pretty.”

“I bet. Poor kid.”

“I meant for me. Ruined Star Wars.”

“Not Star Wars.”

“No. But now I get hard during the action sequences.”

“Eww.”

“Don’t judge me.”

Alright, maybe we both are a little desperate lately.

“What about Wanda V?”

“Chews with her mouth open.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“You are no prize yourself.”

“But I am not an animal.”

“Really?”

“Not that much of an animal.”

“I saw you eat an entire bag of pork rinds this morning. The dust is still on your tie.”

“Keepsakes.”

“For what?”

“To teach the next bag what is fittna happen to it.”

“Fittna?”

“Sorry. You know the hood comes out when I get riled up.”

“You grew up in the suburbs. The far suburbs. You could see farm land.”

“It was rough farmland. The cows were strapped.”

“So she chewed with her mouth open and you ended it.”

“Mostly. Yes.”

“Mostly?”

“We just weren’t compatible. Okay?”

“What happened?”

“It was going pretty good. The entire date.”

“Even her chewing.”

“More like grazing, but yes.”

“And then?”

“And then it turned out we weren’t compatible.”

“C’mon.”

“No.”

“Michael David.”

“She called me daddy.”

“She what?”

“She called me daddy. It was weird.”

“Because she is old enough to be your daughter?”

“Fuck you.”

“Oh no, the hood is coming out.”

“The cows were strapped. They formed gangs. It was dangerous.”

“Okay Daddy.”

“I’m going to listen to music now.”

“Pew pew.”

If she weren’t disgusted by dicks she would be perfect for me. Luckily she is my bestie. Even when I hate her.

“How’d the date with dual vision go?”

“It went.”

“Did you scissor?”

“You and that scissoring shit.”

“Your fault. Ever since you showed me how it works with the Barbie dolls. Got me curious.”

“You know what it got the cat?”

“Scissored?”

“I’ll scissor you.”

“Promises, promises.”

“Turns out we weren’t compatible.”

“The eye thing?”

“The eye thing.”

“I warned you.”

“You did.”

“So say it.”

“Say what?”

“I was right.”

“No.”

“C’mon. Say it.”

“You were not right.”

“But I was.”

“You were sort of right.”

“So close.”

“Fine asshole. You were right. I couldn’t get past it.”

“More like couldn’t look past it.”

“Mike.”

“I’m just saying.”

“Mike.”

“She’s behind me.”

“Yup.”

“Good morning Marie.”

“Asshole.”

“Bye Marie.”

“Is she still looking at me?”

“Partially.”

“Goddamn it.”

“Big plans this weekend?”

“New video game came out. Gonna stay in and play.”

“A whole weekend playing with yourself?”

“Low hanging fruit.”

“That’s what Selene in accounting said.”

“Oh God.”

“She was asking about you this morning.”

“Nope.”

“She was.”

“What did she ask?”

“If you were seeing anyone.”

“And you said yes. Right. You said yes.”

“Nope.”

“Oh why the fuck not? Mona, you remember how she was.”

“In love?”

“Full fucking stalker mode.”

“Don’t go too far.”

“She told Bill in HR we were engaged.”

“You gave her a ring.”

“A ring pop. A ring pop. Big difference.”

“Not to her.”

“She still sends nudes.”

“Seriously?”

“Ruined Arby’s.”

“But you love Arby’s.”

“Not anymore.”

“Bet she can play co-op with you this weekend.”

“Not funny Mona.”

“Is to me.”

“And that is why you date Marie.”

“One time.”

“One too many.”

“Point.”

“Flawless Victory.”

“Let’s not go to far.”

“You should come by. Bring some beer.”

“It is tempting. You in your boxers yelling the game is full of cheap deaths. Me bored watching.”

“They are full of cheap deaths. Increases game length. It is a fact.”

“Uh huh.”

“Look it up.”

“Okay.”

“I’m serious. It is a real thing.”

“I know.”

“How did she look?”

“Who?”

“Selene.”

“Are you serious?”

“I haven’t seen her clothed in months.”

“You are pathetic.”

“You are.”

“Ooooh. Burn.”

“Need to get yourself some salve for that one.”

“I’ll get right on it.”

“That’s what she said.”

“You’re an idiot. It is why you are single.”

“Probably. But I always have you.”

“And I am still trying to figure out what I did to get stuck with you.”

“Lucky I guess.”

“I guess.”

“So?”

“So what?”

“How did she look?”

“I’m done with you today.”

“Maybe I will call her.”

“Idiot.”

At least we have each other.

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