The Crew and Mona

“Good morning.”

“Morning Mona.”

“You seem chipper.”

“My work bestie met my outside work besties. It was a momentous occasion.”

“It was?”

“It wasn’t?”

“They were nice.”

“Uh oh.”

“Well. They were different.”

“Oh yeah. For sure.”

“What did you tell them about me?”

“Your name and we work together.”

“That’s all?”

“Yep. Why?”

“Well. Chainsaw.”

“I warned you he is not normal.”

“He came over and looked me up and down. Then he said, so you’re gay? Then he walked away.”

“It’s the shoes.”

“What the fuck is wrong with my shoes?”

“Nothing. He has a highly tuned gaydar.”

“He didn’t speak to me again.”

“Yeah. The first time he meets someone he hates them. It’s his thing. First time I met him he was wearing a band shirt. I said how great they were. He said, no shit and walked away.”


“Yeah. The next time we talked we sat up all night watching cheesy horror films and talking. Basically best friends.”

“That’s so strange.”


“And Lin.”

“He’s a sweetheart.”

“He is. I liked him.”

“Did he tell you about the scar on his chin?”

“I couldn’t see it. But yes.”

“Did he tell you it was a bullwhip accident?”

“He did.”

“Just so you know, that was Indiana Jones. Lin doesn’t have one.”

“He tells the story from a movie as his own?”

“Not in front of me he doesn’t.”

“But he has?”

“Yep. Once. He was flirting with a lady and told the story.”

“What did you do?”

“Yelled out, We named the dog Indiana. It’s from the third movie.”

“You cock blocked him?”

“I think if you claim a movie scene as a life story you kind of cock block yourself.”


“He has wanted to be Batman as long as I have known him.”

“I can see that.”

“Yeah. I love him.”

“And Billy. He seemed like the normal one.”

“He is. Ish.”


“He’s really smart but refuses to use his brain.”



“He seemed sweet.”

“Oh he is. Definitely.”

“He is a hell of a drinker.”

“That he is. And he loves to fight.”

“But he is a little guy.”

“So was Napoleon.”

“And thus a complex was born.”

“Exactly. We hated each other at first.”


“Yep. And then we bonded over my saying the lemon pudding at lunch came from the lunch lady’s nether regions.”


“Yeah. We laughed and I kept embellishing the story. It ended with a clawed hand coming out and dripping the pudding like puss.”


“We were overheard and got banned from getting the pudding again.”


“Lemon pudding is my favorite.”

“Even when it comes from the lunch lady’s special spot?”

“Especially then.”

“So that’s your crew.”

“Kind of.”

“Kind of?”

“Well Lin and Billy have serious girlfriends. So they don’t come hang much anymore.”

“Not Chainsaw?”

“Not so much.”

“So it’s you two?”

“Not really. He hates going out. Hates most everything.”


“He liked you.”

“He did?”

“Said he did.”

“Didn’t show it.”

“He doesn’t. Ever. Unless he is hammered. He vanishes for months at a time.”

“Where does he go?”

“Not sure. Never ask.”

“Then he just pops up?”

“One time it had been six months. Then one night he broke into my house and climbed into bed with me.”


“I sleep nude.”

“Ew. And whoa again. What did he want?”

“He was drunk and asked me if I wanted to go to a concert.”

“Just broke in, climbed into bed and asked if you wanted to go to a concert?”


“And did you?”

“Of course. We saw Rancid and the Ramones. I slammed a twelve pack and we went and stood in line to buy tickets that morning.”

“That’s weird. You see that right? That it is not normal behavior?”


“But do you?”

“No. Not really.”

“I didn’t think you did.”

“It’s just him.”

“Yeah. Okay.”

“I didn’t think you would like them much.”

“I did. Well maybe not Chainsaw since we didn’t interact.”

“I can see that.”

“So. When are you going to meet my friends?”

“Would you really let me?”

“Would you actually come?”


“They don’t believe you exist.”

“Why not?”

“Because I told them about you.”

“What does that mean?”




“I am just a regular guy.”

“You have no filter.”


“You have told me things I didn’t want to know and can never forget.”


“We’ve worked together three weeks now. I know all about your sex life. I have seen your girlfriend’s vagina.”

“Selene is not my girlfriend. And I warned you.”

“You did.”

“As long as that is clear.”

“Don’t you think you are sort of odd?”

“I don’t know. I think people who aren’t as open are sort of odd.”


“Yeah. Why not talk about things?”

“A sense of decorum?”

“I mean I know the words.”

“But don’t understand the meaning.”

“Sort of.”

“My friends are going to love you.”

“Okay. Why?”

“Because all the people they know are regular. And they don’t have to be around you long enough for it to become normal.”

“You think it’s normal now?”

“It’s amazing what someone can get used to. It is possibly Stockholm Syndrome.”

“Or you are secretly like this yourself. And just keep it hidden.”

“No one else is secretly like you. No one.”


“Or a compliment.”


“As a warning, my friends, the straight ones at least, will try and have sex with you.”


“The answer is no.”




“No. The answer is no. I’m agreeing with you.”

“So maybe!”


“Let’s not take it off the table.”

“It is off the table.”

“I don’t know how you do it, but you have this way of…”

“Of what?”

“Somehow your goofy ass manages to have sex with women you shouldn’t be having sex with. My friends are not good for you.”

“Why not?”

“Because they suck the life out of the men they sleep with.”

“So it is them and not me?”

“Half and half.”

“Fine. What about oral?”

“Excuse me?”

“Is that a no?”

“Goddamn it Mike.”

“It’s a fair question and deserves a fair answer.”



“Don’t get all petulant on me.”

“Now who’s cock blocking whom?”

“Consider it more me pussy blocking them.”

“Is that a dam?”


“You cock block and you beaver dam I think.”

“I’ve never heard that before.”

“Me either. But it makes sense.”

“It does. In it’s own way.”


“Are you still upset?”

“About the beaver dam? No. I get it.”

“But do you?”

“Yes. You’re being sweet and looking out for me.”


“By not allowing me to have wonderful sex.”

“I guess.”

“It’s cool.”

“Is it?”

“There more fish in the breeze.”

“That isn’t how that saying goes.”

“I’m sure it is.”

“I’m not going to argue this.”

“Because I’m right.”

“Because you say them wrong on purpose.”

“I’m hurt.”

“You are not.”

“I could be.”

“You could. But you’re not.”

“But I could be.”

“Yes you could.”

“Every cloud has a slithering lining.”




“Just staying optometristic.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“Tomato potato.”

“Still so fucking wrong.”

“I looked it up. It says I’m right.”


“Ask Jeeves.”

“Is that even a thing anymore?”


“I’m putting in my headphones now.”

“Okay. Love you.”

“Aww. You’re sweet even if you are a total asshat.”

“Thank you.”

“For the sweet or for the asshat?”



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