my eyes have been filled with tears all day

on the cusp of crying

a total emotional break brewing

so long sitting and pretending like feelings were beneath my natural need

softer feelings escape my daily struggle as i escape through channeling them into destructive tendencies

but some days

when i relax or am it her wise preoccupied with illness or flights of fancy

they creep back to the surface

overwhelming

pulling me under the surface of the water i barely tread

it’s all i can do to not breakdown

the sobs caught in the back of my throat

i miss belonging in the world i have hidden from for so very long

my friends back home

the family that shunned me for not trying to fit in and tow the line of their definition of normalcy

i’ve never been the product of any of the molds or dies they we’re cast from

but it doesn’t mean i never cared for them

even as i ran from home it left an indelible hold upon me

now i only feel comfortable opening up to the world through anonymous words that have no deeper meaning

this reality show of the modern age where we spill the guts of who we wish really are into the aether

all while hiding the real pieces of our souls behind empty quotes and blurry filters

i’m not feeling made for this life

hate being soft

less than manly

weak

but some days you pummel

and others you are pummeled

and the blows have rained down upon me since my eyes opened this morning

so if you’ll excuse me

i’m going to hide

retreat into my ever softening shell and ride out yet another self intiated storm

please forgive me my indulgence

doesn’t feel like i have much of a choice