non-existent again

still

not sure any longer if i ever existed in the first place, not really, not any more

not sure i want to

it all seems like too much, the effort required to be functional, to be part of this spiderweb, plucking strands and hoping for a place i fit

but i feel more like a fly, kicking feebly and trying to get away but ultimately only drawing the attention of the spider itself

choices need to be made

decisions, revisions, reinvention of my own dementia

unsteady footing in an earthquake of my own creation

banging my head against the wall over and over and over and over again and not understanding why i have a headache, why my vision is blurry, why i cannot focus, so much hocus pocus, sleight of hand and card tricks covering up the one thing i didn’t want to admit

i am not as slick as i wish i were, not clever enough by half, not charming or debonair, nothing

smoke and mirrors

an illusion

pinocchio, not a real boy, wooden and false

the message in the bottle, cast to see and swallowed by a kraken, never read, the words never said, left with only the empty hope someday it is found

all the while i sit on this desert island with the word help in palm fronds on the beach an empty stomach and nagging doubts

not castaway, cast aside

now you see me, pretend you don’t

ready for sleep, but aware that staring at the ceiling is the end game, the dreams have been far too strange lately

uncomfortable

i am home, illinois home, and everything is in disarray

dad is still alive, the world is ending, ex-wife is there, both kids are babies, the latest almost is somehow the current, death and destruction, friends, we have cordoned off my teenage years block, we are happy, a big group

but every time someone talks to me it is garbled names of those that died

i should know them, they are important, but i don’t

it is my longing for family, my lack of peace and the understanding none of it is ever real that makes me dread seeing it again

same dream every night for a month

powerless and impotent

get enough of that during the day

it is nice to see every one in one place, all the people i love, have loved, wished to love in one scene

awake in the web again, multifaceted eyes staring at me

the moment of consumption taking away the moment of redemption

back into the mist of the walking dead, those that ceased to exist

shambling through this facade of living

alone

awash in futility

daring the spider to bite

afraid of the path my mind is traveling down

engaging the silence, praying for sleep, to be with all of the important pieces of dreams that can never be real

hoping against hope

sticky strands envelop me

this web is home

and it never felt so cold