just got off the phone with Lana, my friend that moved to New York

she yelled at me for thirty straight minutes. i did not enjoy it. but she was right.

i let me bad thoughts control me the last couple of days, the dark spiral. everything became black and white and it was all bad. i must have apologized fifty times and it still wasn’t good enough. 

she read one of my pieces at some coffee shop, made the place sounds fancy because she thinks that shithole of a city is something. it isn’t

 i hate new york and she knows it

anyway she read this is not to the crowd, her new friends, and they loved it

she made me read addio to her roommate, the lovely sounding Lyssa, pronounced Lisa, another trans duder. i felt like an ass but she loved it. 

they made me swear to not silence myself no matter how bad i feel, because somewhere out there someone feels bad too and words can help them not feel alone

so for her, for both of hers, i am sorry i let rock bottom scuff my shine

i am sorry for freaking out, still am freaking out, feel like nothing will ever be right again, that the light has gone out and i cannot afford the bill to get it back on

but we all feel that way sometimes, and it isn’t time to lock down but to open up

or so two angry chicks with dicks yelled at me from the shittiest city in the country

you heard me ladies, gauntlet dropped, you ain’t got the ovaries to come at me

and i love you Lana and Lyssa for taking an hour out of your lives to verbally kick me in the nuts, i deserved it

and i have them the password so maybe they will edit this shit for me

hint hint bitches if i have to write you have to clean up, fair is fair, no capitalizing the i, and sometimes i use words that may or may not strictly exist. ask first if you are unsure

so apologies for mentally breaking down, and more for the fact that this is going to continue

sorry, love you all

bunches