how long have i been holding my breath

i remember holding it, sucking in a huge lungful until I felt my lungs would burst, my chest expanding, a burning feeling

it feels like forever ago

was it a month ago

spots dance before my eyes and i try to remember how to exhale this gust of stale carbon dioxide

i can tell you the last time i took a shower, this morning, the last time i ate, this morning, the last time i sang, ten minutes ago, the last time i felt like a person, eighteen years ago

but when did i start to hold my breath

it may have been ten months ago when i held my breath as i got home and hoped she was back

it may have been four months ago when i started to share my feelings with the world, when someone said they heard my voice when they read my words and it felt odd to know i had a voice

was it two months ago when i first drove to pick her up, or the next day when i knew it was a train wreck neither of us were ready for, or during the two weeks of silence that ended with us kissing on the street

maybe it was halloween when i dropped her off only to never hear from her again

it hurts holding it in but for the life of me i cannot recall the reverse of holding it in

the last time this happened i was telling my ex-wife to push as my daughter’s head crested, and i pushed with her and nearly shit my pants

no, it was when i was telling her to push and my son’s head was cresting and i nearly shit my pants

what does it say when you can recall two near shitting yourself experiences but not when you last took a breath

the last time i cried was an hour ago, watching button poetry

the last time i laughed was four hours ago when i posted something that popped into my head and pictured myself in a french maid outfit, don’t ask

the last time i felt anger was as i spewed fuck you to the Senate and President, neither i claim, for their bullshit legislature

the last time i blew a kiss was in a text to my daughter

muah, i love you baby girl was the last text

the last time i felt gratitude was as my friends shared my hateful diatribe against the government when i believed i made a huge mistake posting it

but the last time i inhaled and exhaled

who knows

maybe when the lady at the office gave me her number and said she could help with my lease signing, i misinterpreted her meaning and said i would be able to handle it

she spelled it out and i rabbitted my ass out in embarrassment

still haven’t used the number and now go the long way to the mailbox

one of the last times this happened was when my ex-wife asked me what was wrong and i told her she did not want the answer, then i told her and held my breath as she broke down, continued holding it as she hit me repeatedly, let it out as i finally grabbed her hand and said the last hit was the last time she would hit me

i should just stop and let this breath out

on three

one, i am not ready, this is fine, who needs to breathe

two, why won’t my heart just stop beating, then i could skip this whole ordeal, is that the end game

three, wait

here we go, nothing, trying and my lungs will not listen

maybe tomorrow