sometimes i feel like people think they get me

but they don’t get get me

like they believe the sarcasm is true

that the self hatred and self indulgence is false

my calls for help are cries for attention

i like talking to people

but i mostly can’t stand people

a people person that dislikes people is a conundrum in it’s self

but it is me

i search for love from thinking it will plug the hole in the deck of the ship

like it will magically right the course

and it does

for a bit

and then the voices come back

and they whisper evil things

and i tell myself

don’t listen

they’re crazy

you’re fine

but they are pervasive

weaseling their way into the quiet moments

and eventually

i’m like

i’ll hear what you have to say

but this is the last time

and they are convincing

my will breaks

and then someone laughs at something serious because i framed it like a joke

and i begin to see they think i’m the joke

then the voices pounce

what did we tell you

if you had just listened

why would we lie

we’d never laugh at you

this is dead serious

and i fall into the spiral again

suddenly everything is wrong

the paranoia

the self defeatist attitude crawls out

it’s why i like to write

anonymously as possible when i spill my guts and use my name and attach my email address

so as anonymously as you can be while standing on the corner with your chest open and heart exposed and a small pin that says pay no attention to the poet behind the curtain

i lost where i was going

something something her

love

mania

depression

loss

like a madlibs or choose your adventure

fill in the blanks yourself

then when you decide it is funny you can laugh

or if it is sad it is your sadness

not mine

those are depths you are not prepared to plumb

you probably just shook your head

what does he know

nothing

but i would love to

i’m here

bored and spinning slowly down into the nether regions of life itself

i’d love to chat

or cuddle

maybe some kissing

nothing outright sexual

unless you’re down

this didn’t go where i expected but it seems to have found it’s way home

thanks for misreading

talk to you soon

if ever