Un-nunlike Mona

It’s starts with…

“I think I finally did it Mona!”

“Good Morning.”

“I am serious. I think I finally did it. I am so fucked.”

“Nothing much really. We just sat and watched a movie.”

“Mona. I have no time for pleasantries. I’m going to Hell!”

“Clearly.”

“What?”

“Clearly, you are going to hell.”

“You don’t even know what I did.”

“I don’t have to. I know the other things you did.”

“But…”

“Just as many nerve endings. Or so you told me as I began tallying your inevitable trip to Hell.”

“It is scientifically proven. An erogenous zone.”

“Focus.”

“I do. Laser focus. The occasional lick. Maybe a finger if the exploratory tongue gives benefits.”

“I actually started this. I know better. Yet, here we are and you are talking about eating ass and it is technically my fault.”

“It feels like you are surprised and or, disappointed. Yet this is sort of what we do.”

“You steer it. I’m an unwilling participant.”

“Then why did you start talking about nerve endings?”

“I guess to distract you, Mikey.”

“From the impending trip to Hell you have been slowly documenting?”

“Not slowly. God. No, you’ve been sprinting straight there since day one.”

“No.”

“Dude. Bro. C’mon.”

“Aren’t you the least bit curious as to why this time?”

“Morbidly so. It’ll give Trudy and I something to talk about.”

“You talk about me?”

“Have you ever stopped and really listened to yourself? You, my best friend, are absolutely fucked up.”

“Ouch.”

“Accurate.”

“But ouch.”

“Awww. Does little Mikey need a kiss?”

“Little Mikey got a kiss. And that is what is sending me to Hell. For sure.”

“Is Little Mikey your…”

“It is now.”

“I need Listerine.”

“He doesn’t mind halitosis.”

“He doesn’t mind… I’m going to be sick.”

“I brought bear claws. Cream filled.”

“Did you just fucking ruin bear claws?”

“Did I? Hard to tell. What with going to Hell and all.”

“I’ll choke one down.”

“Yeah you will…”

“You want me to say I’m sorry for the Hell thing, don’t you?”

“Huh?”

“That’s why you insist on ruining breakfast.”

“It did turn a little sexually hostile.”

“The tagline of your last date.”

“I would say something mean back, but my soul is in peril. So I will turn the other cheek.”

“There is an ass joke there…”

“I shall no longer cast the first stone.”

“Something about ass cheeks. It’ll come to me ..”

“And Lo, on the sixth day the Lord looked upon something. And said this ain’t half bad.”

“That’s not scripture.”

“I am paraphrasing. Obviously.”

“You can’t quote scripture. You don’t know any.”

“I do so.”

“Go ahead then, dazzle me.”

“And I will rain down in furious vengeance…”

“Pulp Fiction doesn’t count.”

“But it has mother fucker in it.”

“It really doesn’t.”

“I’ve seen the movie a few times. It definitely has mother fucker in it.”

“So it can get spanked as well!!”

“What?”

“The ass thing from earlier.”

“All this time and that is what you came up with?”

“There really wasn’t time to think about it.”

“You could have done so many others. At least stuck with the ass eating theme.”

“Yeah.”

“Something something to put my tongue on.”

“Hold on.”

“Are you making notes?”

“Sometimes the banter goes back and forth too quickly. Then you get all the good zingers. It levels the playing field.”

“But they are my zingers you’ll write down. So I get half points still.”

“You do not.”

“I do. I keep a tally.”

“Like the one I keep about you going to Hell?”

“Yeah. But more productive.”

“Points we score on each other.”

“Yep.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“What’s the total? Who’s winning?”

“Really?”

“What’s that mean?”

“I’m winning.”

“I call bullshit.”

“Call away, Mona. Call away.”

“What’s the score?”

“Ten thousand three hundred and twelve to eight thousand and fourteen.”

“So specific.”

“It is.”

“And you determine this how?”

“It’s complicated. Deals with nuances and the ebb and flow of the conversation.”

“You are making this up. There is no way I am two thousand behind.”

“Two thousand, two hundred and ninety eight. But who’s counting?”

“You.”

“I mean besides me.”

“Why?”

“I don’t really. It was just a joke.”

“No. Why are you going to Hell?”

“Huh?”

“The reason you were rude this morning.”

“Oh. That. Well. See…”

“So it can get waxed!”

“What in the fuck are you talking about?”

“The turn the other cheek thing.”

“Still?”

“It just came to me.”

“Quarter points may have to be implemented.”

“That was quality.”

“Meh.”

“Sorry scorekeeper. Continue.”

“Are you just going to half listen and try and think of more ass related jokes?”

“No.”

“Mona.”

“No. Go on. Hell.”

“You’re doing it right now.”

“Something chocolate starfish. It’s right there. I can see it.”

“Now just dart the tip of your tongue in. Trust me.”

“I’ll figure this out.”

“You’ll lick it yet.”

“How did we sink so low?”

“You’re steering the ship.”

“Hell no I’m not.”

“It’s funny..”

“Fine. I’ll listen. Pray tell. How are you going to hell this time?”

“Okay. Don’t judge me.”

“Too late.”

“Fair.”

“Go on.”

“Ever since I was a kid…”

“In the hood.”

“Obviously.”

“Right.”

“So I saw these pictures. And it burned into my brain.”

“Oh no.”

“Yeah. I didn’t know it then.”

“Of what?”

“They were tasteful. Artistic even.”

“Oh no. This doesn’t lead up to anything good. Of what?”

“Sexy nuns.”

“Get the fuck out of here.”

“I can’t.”

“This cannot go where I think.”

“Depends.”

“On?”

“Did you think I got head from a sexy nun?”

“No.”

“Then you are safe.”

“Wait.”

“What?”

“You didn’t?”

“I didn’t what?”

“The sexy nun.”

“Umm.”

“Mike.”

“See, there’s a story…”

“That ends with you inside a sexy nun.”

“I’m going to hell.”

“You are going to hell.”

“I knew it.”

“Me too. But never thought it would be VIP.”

“Express lane.”

“Toll Lane.”

“It’s bad.”

“How?”

“I was at the bar. Minding my own business when three nuns walked in.”

“Into the bar?”

“Yeah. It was odd. The bar was practically empty. And in walks my secret childhood fetish.”

“Dear Jesus. Help me get through this and I will never make another ass joke.”

“You were still thinking about it!”

“Only a little. Then the nun thing.”

“The nun thing is something.”

“So the nuns walk in.”

“Yeah. I wave and say good evening sisters. They gave me a strange look but smile back.”

“Okay. I still can’t picture nuns at the Pub.”

“It was like a dream.”

“For you.”

“Yes.”

“A wet one.”

“Again. Yes.”

“So a trio of nuns. You turned on the charm I guess.”

“No. I froze.”

“Really?”

“Yes. It was like a porn happening in front of my eyes.”

“Performance anxiety?”

“Maybe.”

“Poor Little Mikey.”

“Right.”

“Go on.”

Well they started drinking wine. I was nursing a whiskey.”

“Nursing?”

“He left the bottle.”

“So you stuck a straw in?”

“It was like a catheter for the bottle. I was a nurse.”

“The image. What’s wrong with you?”

“So much.”

“So very much.”

“One of the nuns came over to me and grabbed the straw and took a long drink.”

“Not very nunlike.”

“She never broke eye contact. And ran her tongue over the edge.”

“Extremely unnunlike.”

“Unnunlike.”

“Hard to say. What did she look like?”

“Not like you picture.”

“What do I picture?”

“Wizened old lady with kind yet stern eyes.”

“Exactly what I pictured.”

“Yeah.”

“Get out of my head.”

“So. She does her thing and I can’t stop staring. She is gorgeous. Long black hair, smoky eyes, plump lips. The habit…”

“Habit?”

“The outfit. It was tight in all the right places. And that crucifix dangling between her two lovely breasts.”

“You’re going to give me a nun fetish.”

“Mhmmm.”

“So a hot nun goes down on your straw…”

“Later. For now it was the whiskey.”

“I meant the… Nevermind. Go on.”

“Then she asks if I’m a good Catholic.”

“Which you aren’t.”

“Nope. But I said I wanted to be.”

“Of course you did.”

“So we sit there drinking the whiskey. And she gets more bold. Hand on my thigh, creeping upward. Licking her lips. That blood red lipstick and the top of her tongue. It was electric.”

“I bet.”

“Yeah. Are your cheeks flushed?”

“It’s hot in here.”

“Is it? I guess I didn’t notice.”

“Go on.”

“Right. So we are talking. But whenever I mentioned her being a holy sister she would just laugh and grab my leg tighter. Next thing I know, we are kissing. Right there at the bar. Her friends are watching and cheering her on.”

“Unnunlike behavior.”

“Not if you were in my bedroom my teenage years.”

“Ewww.”

“So many socks defiled.”

“No.”

“Yep.”

“Mike. Focus.”

“She grabs my hand and slides it up under her habit. I found heaven. It was glorious. Her friends really started cheering then as her eyes rolled back and I played with the Pearly Gates.”

“Oh. So inappropriate.”

“I rang the doorbell.”

“Lucky there was no clacker hanging.”

“Nope. Just nearly had to part the sea.”

“Yeah. Hell.”

“Most definitely.”

“Wait. Did she have granny panties?”

“No panties.”

“None.”

“Nothing to separate the waters above and the waters below.”

“That’s Genesis.”

“Told you I knew some biblical things.”

“But you are only using them in the worst way.”

“It’s a talent.”

“Like the one the nun experienced.”

“Exactly. When I was done she nearly slipped off the stool.”

“In the Pub.”

“I didn’t start it.”

“Fine line.”

“Delicately danced.”

“A nun.”

“I know. It was amazing.”

“And then she decided to show you God?”

“One good turn. Treat others as you wish to be treated. I don’t know. Yes. We went to the back room.”

“It find it hard to….”

“Swallow? Wink.”

“Ewww. And don’t say Wink. It’s creepy. Believe she was a nun.”

“It turns out she wasn’t. A nun that is. They were at a costume party.”

“Then why are you going to hell?”

“I took the Lord’s name in vain when she finished.”

“You do that all the time.”

“I worry it’s accumulative.”

“So the nun part was bullshit.”

“Not at first.”

“You just wanted to tell me about your fetish.”

“Maybe.”

“And brag.”

“Possibly.”

“You are a real piece of work.”

“Yeah. But you love me. And have a story for Trudy tonight.”

“So giving and considerate.”

“I try.”

“So. Gonna call the nun?”

“Nope. We didn’t exchange numbers.”

“Just fluids.”

“Seemed more pure that way.”

“It really doesn’t.”

“No. It really doesn’t.”

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