the woman
who taught
me how to
pee into
the toilet
by putting
a water balloon
in her pants
and pricking
the end with
a needle as
my parents
said hello
and goodbye
to my sister
at the hospital
is not well

and i find
myself struggling
to comprehend

my childhood
canbeabitofa
kaleidoscopic
hellscape on
constantloop
traumas i have
dealt with as
bestaspossible
or buried as
deepasicould
if not wrote
out in vivid
disturbingprose

if i could sum
theentireexperience
up even remotely
it is a hazy
burnt sienna hued
melancholia with
the stench of
sour liquor
burrowed in deeper
than the floorboards
of a dive bar down
by the railroad tracks

you learn early
to separate the
real smiles from
the inebriated ones
with feral danger
lurking behind
exposed teeth
and she taught me
a few of those lessons
in addition to potty
training and spending
summers at the
easter seals where
she taught those
amazing children
who were dealt the
hardest of hands
and ingrained into
a young boy to see
the beauty and strength
in those who never
give in to their
shit circumstances

there are no
angels or demons
humanity encompasses
both within them
some are just
more free expressing
their duality
more comfortable
being a human
rather than just
acting like a
human being

which is likely
the most important
lesson i learned
from my dear aunt
and i don’t want
to accept this
world without her
helping and also
terrorizing it

so i won’t
she will be fine

energy can neither
be created nor destroyed
and emotions are energy
so love as fiercely
as you can every day
and part of you will
be immortalized in
their heartpyres
burning brightly
to light their way home