since i was
a latchkey kid
i have always
been watching
preparing
it isn’t about
if the other
shoe drops
but when and
how will i
deal with it
when it inevitably
does

and it will

left alone to
figure out things
where mistakes
no matter how
innocent
were punished

self reliance
became defiance
why do the rules
apply when there
is no one to
police them
why not question
everything when
all there was
were unanswered
questions

i will always
offer to help
while refusing
to consider
asking for it
having learned
to accept my
failures while
never giving up
because it was
ingrained that
no one was ever
coming to assist

now being alone
is a balm
a steadfast
reliance upon
the only one who
ever got things done
or suffered through
the constant frustration
of failing
overandoverandover
before the next
impossible task forms

i open up
slightly
able to sense
the currents
and accept
rejection in
the hesitant phase
with a refusal
to dream
about the things
i never deserved
at the expense
of tomorrow
which was never
guaranteed