said i wouldn’t write today

but then i made a mistake and overshared

it wasn’t the sharing that was the mistake

probably, maybe, possibly

it was the broken flood gates of memories, the levee cracked and with it came the thoughts

another metaphoric poem about drowning

it hurt to share those things with you, a deep down ache, a scab that never heals picked again

wish it would scar over, lose feeling, then i could wear it like a badge of honor

of survival

seem manly, the type of person you would be glad to hold hands with as we walk downtown

not the sad little boy

i can pinpoint the two things that made me curious about you from your writing

then the fall

before i knew what was happening i was in love

all i want is to hold you, inhale your scent, kiss you and make the whole world right again

introduce you to the kids so they can see happiness is real

get drunk on you

instead i sit here on this couch, my throne in hell, the seat of eternal torment

loving from afar

inexplicably sad

irrevocably broken

and unable to stem the flow from mind to finger to screen

just one today the junkie said

just one more and i can quit

one to take the edge off

then sweet silence

sit in quiet contemplation and let my mind swirl about you

maybe one more

just until it is emptied out

the next one won’t be about hurting

it will be about her

aren’t they all the cynical little voice murmured

in one way or another

to her, about her, for her

the s that snakes through your brain, around your heart, ingratiating into every cell, the fiber of who you are

your pathetic way of reaching out, your way of trying to push away

just one more and maybe she will fall in love with you

one more and maybe she will walk away

just one more