Welcome to Hell Mona

“Good morning.”

“It is now.”

“Aww. Did you miss me?”

“Not really. There is a spider in the corner and I think it is plotting to lay eggs in my brain. I need you to smash it good.”

“I’m gone two weeks and all you missed me for was killing bugs?”



“I missed you for other reasons too.”

“I’m not feeling other reasons right now.”

“Did you miss me?”

“God help me, a little.”

“A little.”

“I kept expecting Trudy to tell me some impossibly deranged tale of sex or drugs. Just looked at her expectantly.”

“Did she?”

“Mike, not everyone has lived the life you’ve lived.”

“No? Seems pretty much like a regular life to me.”

“How’d the silence go? Where you buying me lunch at today?”

“I just walked in and you’re talking lunch? No stories from the beach?”

“Ugh. It rained.”

“That happens.”

“No. When we got off the plane it was perfect. We changed and sat on the beach and drank foo foo drinks with umbrellas. It was perfect.”

“That sounds great.”

“It lasted two hours. Then it rained the rest of the trip.”


“Yes. The fucking sun came out as we drove to the airport to leave.”



“What did you do the other eleven days?”

“Went to restaurants and got obnoxiously drunk indoors.”


“That was it.”


“Did we scissor? Really? God damn it, our dream vacation was waterlogged and you want to know if we scissored?”

“No. Well yes. No. What is happening? No. Did she propose?”

“Oh. No.”

“What was in the box then?”

“I don’t know. And I couldn’t ask because I’m not supposed to know it exists.”

“A conundrum. You trapped yourself in a perpetual vortex of knowing just enough to be dangerous and too little to affect change.”

“Whoa. What was that?”

“What was what?”

“You made sense and didn’t make a single joke or innuendo or curse.”

“Fuck. Did I?”

“What happened while I was gone?”

“Maybe the spider laid eggs in my brain already.”

“Well thank God for that.”


“No. I’m so disappointed Mikey. This was our chance to get away, free of everything. And it was like being home except expensive as shit.”

“I’m sorry Mona. I really am.”

“Look if you’re in there spider lady, we are going to be great friends. I love what you’ve done with Mike.”


“What did you do while I was gone?”

“Me and Chainsaw hung out.”

“That’s it?”

“It snowed.”

“And that’s it?”


“Oh thank God. I was worried we died on the plane crash and I came to in a hell where you were a normal person and I was trapped with you.”


“You’re not being you and… never mind. What happened?”

“We went to the Pub.”

“That’s it?”

“No that’s the start. We went to the Pub. Our friends band was playing and we sat at the bar and sang along. It was a good time.”

“That’s it?”

“Dammit Mona. I haven’t told a story in two weeks and I have to get my sea legs back.”

“Sorry. Go on.”

“Ellie shows up.”


“I ignored the shit out of her. Drove her nuts. She was doing everything to get my attention. Dancing alone in front of me. Sent a pitcher of Irish Car Bombs to me.”

“A pitcher of what?”

“Normally it is a pint glass of Guinness and you drop a shot of Bailey’s in.”


“No, it tastes like chocolate milk. Surprisingly good.”

“But a pitcher?”

“Inside joke we had. One night I drank like twelve of them. Got knackered. Puked everywhere. After that when we went out she asked what I wanted and I would say a pitcher of Irish Car Bombs to start the evening.”

“Not a funny inside joke.”

“They don’t all have to be funny to have a meaning.”

“Fair. So you got a pitcher of them.”

“I did. And I invited her friend over and and we drank it together.”

“Her friend?”

“Bettie or Barb or Belinda. I never cared to learn it before.”

“How did she react?”

“Exactly as I expected. See before we got there I told Chainsaw I was gonna get him laid come hell or high water.”

“Oh my God.”


“She didn’t?”

“In the bathroom as I drank with B something.”

“The bathroom at the Pub?”


“With Chainsaw.”

“Like the dirtiest game of Clue ever played. I believe the culprit was Ellie with Chainsaw in the urine soaked stall.”


“I was happy with the turnout. And it turns out I now have incentive to never fall for her great ass again.”

“Because she fucked your friend?”

“Well sort of. Mostly because she fucked my friend with herpes he got in a shower in Ireland.”

“Oh damn.”

“Like to think I got her a pitcher of Irish Car Bombs as well. The best part? She knows he has it. And still raw dogged him.”

“He should get tested.”

“He really should.”

“Well that was a successful evening.”

“If only it had ended there.”

“Oh God.”


“What happened next?”

“Well it was still going pretty good. B whatever was telling me all about how she learned she didn’t have a gag reflex in high school.”


“Some things need tested Mona. You don’t just say that kind of thing and not prove it.”

“Not in the same stall?”

“No. On the pool table.”

“What the fuck.”

“I was pretty drunk.”

“I leave for two weeks and you spiral.”

“Well, her tongue did. It was really kind of amazing.”


“And the lack of gag reflex was one hundred percent true. Not that she could tell with me. But after wards I got this big pickle…”


“And I swear the whole thing just vanished.”

“Glad you’re back Mona. He was pathetic and moped the entire time. It was sad.”

“Good morning Marie.”

“Mike. Still an asshole I see.”

“Yes indeed.”

“You knew she was there.”

“Yes Mona. I put a mirror here on the corner of my desk.”

“So the pickle thing was just to agitate her?”

“No the pickle thing was true. The pool table part was false.”


“Like her trying to figure out where she is looking.”


“I’ve got a trick or two up my sleeve.”

“So you watched her deep throat a pickle.”

“Yep. And Chainsaw got laid.”

“A good night.”

“Until we left.”


“He had to piss halfway home.”

“Why didn’t he do it at the bathroom?”

“I said the same thing. So I pull over and he is pissing in a ditch at two in the morning. The snow is falling pretty heavy. And then it goes to shit.”

“What happened?”

“Cops rolled up.”


“Yeah. I got out and explained my friend was drunk and needed to puke. It went smooth. They were carefully checking me out but you know how I’m basically the same drunk as sober?”

“Just sweatier.”

“But it was cold out. So they let us go as I’m the designated driver.”

“The drunken designated driver.”

“Meh. Dori arigato Mr tomahto.”


“I get back in the car and Chainsaw says not worry. He took care of it.”

“Care of what?”

“My thought exactly. He explains you can’t get a ticket for driving drunk if you don’t have the keys.”

“Wait. What does that mean?”

“It means he threw them into the ditch when he saw the cops.”

“Oh shit.”

“It is two in the morning and we are walking through six inches of snow in the dark while I search for my keys in piss laden precipitation. I was beyond furious. He was just apologizing and stumbling about.”

“But you found them?”

“Eventually. I was so mad at him but he didn’t mean anything. He was trying to help. Then as we drove he opened his car door and began puking on the road.”

“What did you do?”

“Hit every pothole I could find.”

“Mike! You are terrible.”

“I know. I missed you so much. You’re my Jiminy Cricket.”

“That cricket would have hung himself dealing with your dumb ass.”


“Well I’m back so everything can return to normal.”

“After you kill the spider.”

“After I kill the spider. Big pussy.”

“Yes I am. But I’ve got lunch. You pick.”

“Maybe I did die in that plane.”

“Welcome to hell Mona, we’ve been waiting for you.”

“Well Satan, you look exactly as I expected you would.”

“Thank you.”

“Not a… never mind.”

“Oh fuck.”

“Yep. This is definitely my hell. You forgot your wallet, didn’t you?”

“Did I ever tell you about making the Jello shots with the dick molds from the sex shop?”

“Mikey, I missed you.”

“Missed you too boo.”


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