Mona Probes

“Good morning.”

“Hey Mona.”

“Hey?”

“Hello madam, how is thou this fine summer morn?”

“Better. And I am more a fair maiden. Madam seems stuffy and old.”

“I stick with my prior descriptor.”

“Ass.”

“Barely.”

“It is awfully flat back there. Is that genetic?”

“No. Well maybe. I didn’t check out a lot of my families ass to be able to say for sure.”

“Well, I’m sure someone on your family tree had ass for days.”

“Here’s to hoping.”

“There was this one cousin.”

“What?”

“Well, not blood cousin. Step cousin? Not sure the semantics.”

“No. Just stop right there. Your hillbilly no ass having incestual ways needs to stop.”

“Incest. Pshaw. I was after her friend. Brittany.”

“Ooh. Brittany.”

“Started my long list of trouble.”

“How so?”

“Every serious relationship I have ever had was with a woman whose name ended in a hard e sound. Maybe I’m still chasing her.”

“Brittany. Ellie. Small sample size.”

“Kimberly. Jaycie. Courtney.”

“But that is more in line with naming conventions.”

“Maybe. Or maybe I’m on to something.”

“Probably not.”

“Probably not, but it feels good to find an interconnection. A hidden thread to unravel. Something to leave this conspiracy naked on the floor in front of me.”

“Did you make coffee at home.”

“Couldn’t sleep. Two pots.”

“Oh shit.”

“I can taste sound Mona. Hear color. You’re wearing a green thong.”

“No I’m not. Yes I am. How the fuck did you know that?”

“Bit if a whale tail in the back. Need to retuck your blouse.”

“Bastard. Thank you.”

“Of course madam.”

“Hey, I have an interesting bet for you.”

“Okay.”

“There is this IQ test here. I got a one twenty five. Trudy got a one thirty one. Now she’s lording it over me. Think you can beat that?”

“I don’t like those things.”

“Why not?”

“Because. I don’t. It does something to people around you when you do them.”

“Let’s them know you’re an idiot?”

“Exactly.”

“Well just do it for me. I’ll keep it between us.”

“I really don’t want to.”

“Is being a little bitch genetic as well?”

“Well, my uncle was pretty much a chicken shit. So I’d say flat ass and little bitch sounds roughly like our coat of arms.”

“What else are you genetically predisposed to?”

“What’s happening?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why the sudden interest in my IQ? And genetic predisposition? It’s weird. Are you planning on harvesting my organs? I’ll have you know they are top shelf.”

“Do the test and I’ll tell you.”

“You know they are not accurate at all, right?”

“But they are an indicator.”

“They are shit that ruins lives.”

“I’ll buy lunch.”

“Tamales?”

“Okay.”

“Queso?”

“Sure.”

“See, you always say no to queso. This is suspicious.”

“I always say no because you always get it on your shirt.”

“Fair.”

“So you’ll do it?”

“Fuck. Fine. But I’m telling you this never ends well.”

“Here. Go to this link. Enter my email and I’ll get the results and I promise I won’t share with anyone but Trudy. Maybe I’ll run to the store and get you a bib for lunch.”

“Duckies and bunnies please. None of that Elmo shit. I have a sense of decorum.”

“It’ll take like half an hour or so.”

“Just go.”

—-

“How’d it go?”

“Fine. I’m thinking chicken habenero tamales. You.know the key to why they are so good.”

“I’m buying?”

“No. They put broth in the masa. Infuses the entire thing with Rich flavor.”

“Uh huh.”

“And you’re buying. My daddy always said there are two things in life. The good stuff and the free stuff. And the free stuff is always better. He was right.”

“Uh huh.”

“One time we had this big bottle of whiskey and as we were heading to get knackered these other guys had a bottle of moonshine. We got so drunk on the moonshine we never even touched the whiskey. And it was an awesome night. Free beat good that night for sure.”

“Uh huh.”

“And then I had sex with this tentacled alien princess from Andromeda Six. She penetrated me in ways no woman has since.”

“Okay.”

“Her name was Trudy. She said one day she would return as a lesbian and swoop my best friend off of her feet. And if I ever told anyone she would melt all of our brains and reduce the planet to slag.”

“That’s cool.”

“I’m just gonna run one out real quick. Wanna watch?”

“Sure.”

“Mona!”

“What? I’m sorry I was distracted.”

“No shit.”

“What did you say? Something about tamales.”

“What are you doing?”

“Looking at your results. And talking to Trudy.”

“Oh.”

“Mike. Is this for real?”

“Probably.”

“And you are doing this for a living?”

“Yes. I like it. I get to hang out with you. We have fun.”

“But.”

“Don’t but me. I do what I want.”

“It’s incredible. Like, fuck.”

“It isn’t.”

“It really is.”

“It’s all fake. Skewed.”

“Well Trudy disagrees and so do I.”

“She says it’s okay to ask. I mean we knew you were smart.”

“And ruggedly handsome.”

“And ruggedly handsome.”

“Am I dying?”

“Why would you think that?”

“You’re being awfully nice to me.”

“Well. We have a huge favor to ask you to consider maybe doing.”

“Pick a kidney, it’s yours.”

“No kidneys.”

“Well, the answer is yes anyway.”

“I haven’t asked.”

“Okay ask.”

“We want you to be our donor so we can have a baby.”

“Wouldn’t you rather have a kidney?”

“No. Come on. What do you say?”

“Why would you want me to do that? There have to be a million better candidates out there.”

“I’m looking at one hundred and sixty nine good reasons right now.”

“Hahaha. Sixty nine.”

“Maybe one hundred and sixty eight.”

“That’s where you blow me and I owe you one later.”

“I’m serious.”

“No you’re not.”

“We’re serious.”

“We’d basically already decided but Trudy was curious about this test.”

“Just an arbitrary number Mona. Doesn’t mean anything.”

“Well it does to her. Will you?”

“I was willing to do anything for you. But this? I’m going to need some time.”

“Are you serious?”

“I’m not feeling great. Think I’m going to go home and sleep it off. I’ll see you tomorrow. Probably.”

“But tamales?”

“I’m sorry Mona. Raincheck?”

“Of course. Let me know if you need anything.”

“I’m fine.”

“Mikey, you don’t have to say yes. You know that right?”

“I’ll see you tomorrow. Tell Trudy I’m thinking about it.”

“Okay. Feel better.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

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