it isn’t the state
of constant anxiety as
much as how wrong
everything feels
in those rare
moments of calm.

caught myself
daydreaming as i drove
put my foot down
to end the nonsense
and ended up
speeding to the next
red light as i excise
all hope for anything
more than this
bountiful harvest
of broken promises.

even in that
fleetingmentallapse
her smile rivaled
the sun in all its glory
which only ratcheted
the briar bands around
my wheezing heart
as i sat in a pool
of my own deficiencies
going nowhere faster
than the speed of doubt.

those goddamned calm seas
seem so fucking inviting
but the anxiety keeps me
bleeding so i know exactly
what is real and what is
dissociation in thorny dismay.