the fog of a headache mixed with too little sleep and too much trying

eyes having problems focusing

is it nromal to fall into waves of black thoughts the moment you awaken

is it normal to already dread the day mere seconds into it

going to get the kids and that is the only bright spot in the last two weeks, the only thing fending off the dark thoughts, a beacon to make them only whisper in my head instead of scream

but next week to boston has me knotted up

the early flight, the interactions, the need to pull the mask down and pretend to be human again

i am afraid i have forgotten how

small talk and plastered smiles, nodding as if interested in the day to day bits of being functional again

i’m not

i have shed my false skin for so long wiggling back into it feels like a bluff i am not prepared to fail

apply charm and conversational skills, my life has been my words and now i am forced to share what is private

i will squash it down into a tight ball of stress and distress and love on the kids for every second i can

but the real world beckons and i try and ignore the siren call

i am not ready to face the fears ringing in my mind, so i will do as always, dive feet first into the frigid waters of the unknown and hope i remember to swim

like riding a bike, with cement shoes and chains of uncertainty, little bells ringing to signal my approach, no sudden movements or i will spill my guts out

neither of us want that