lana, words

my friend Lana died this morning, i just got off the phone with her room mate

i don’t know what to do

she was the most wonderful person and i always told her she was perfect

she would laugh that deep throaty laugh of hers and call me a fool

she had been down lately, issues with money, issues with men

her path was a hard one but she was stronger than anyone

my dearest Lana born Luke

and she killed herself this morning and i sit with tears streaming down my cheeks

the last thing she told me was that she loved me, and was considering making anchange towards bald white guys

we laughed and i told her i loved her too but no sex until we were married

everything seemed fine

she had been going through hormone treatments in prep for her operation

i don’t know, nothing makes sense in the world of shit

today has been one of those days where you question everything

where you realize nothing is ever going to go right no matter how hard you try

i have been so stupid to have hoped it would ever be anything more

and now my friend is dead, my heart has broken, no it was already broken, now i fear it will never work again

i have to close it off, it isn’t worth the pain that constricts my chest

Lana would be pissed to hear me say this, she would yell at me and call me horrible things

but she also killed herself

hours ago

and never even called to say good bye

i hope her family buries her in that slinky black dress she loved

and not as the man she never was

i’m going to go and cry now, pour molten lead into my chest to encase the remnants of the heart to shield it from feeling loss again

good bye sweet friend, my lovely Lana, the world got even darker today

i love you

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