if i had it all to do over again

knowing what i know

the shit stacked against me, the broken hearts, battered soul and the way life beat me to a pulp

i wouldn’t change a thing up to a certain point

those two perfect kids

i would go through every trial and tribulation exactly the same to make sure they are exactly the same

the dead end jobs

the angry nights

all of it is worth it for them

now mayhaps i would creatively redecorate the times after their birth

but honestly probably not

much

i am the father i am now because of the shitstorms i have survived

and if it means being miserable and alone but having them in my life

it is something to sell my soul for

as they grow and become the people the world is not ready for

the sponges that absorb the ridiculous amount of information i have to feed them

it is because of my scars

in spite of the marking on my flesh

this journey isn’t about me

it is about them

my legacy will not be sloppy poetry and strange short fiction

these words are random spills from fumbling fingers

they are perfection

and as they accrue their own scars

as the savagery of life marks them and molds them

the knowledge i have passed from my pain will help to shield them

make it so they can weather the future tides

and that is worth more than any currency or previous metal and jewels

they are worth more than anything this entire ball of dirt spinning fruitlessly can hope to offer

they are the tape that keeps me together

the thing pushing me ever onward

and i am lucky to have them

far luckier than i possibly deserve

and as i struggle with the mounting sorrow of having dropped them off and crawling back into my cocoon of sadness

i have the light they shine upon me to keep me warm and content that maybe one day it won’t always be so bad

no matter the harsh lessons learned

the set backs

the precipitous climb and breath taking falls

both experienced and ahead

i will continue

to see the smiles on their faces

as much as i hate the image in the mirror i know it was half responsible for them

so it isn’t all bad

just mostly

and that is good enough