it starts with a heavy feeling in your eyes

like they weight a little more

turning them feels clumsier somehow

then the heavy feeling goes to the front of your mind and it feels awkward as well

a gentle tinging feeling in your face and the rest of your skull

like it is subtly humming, vibrating, heavy and light all at once

like swimming in syrup

everything is a little slower

the feeling spreads throughout

your hands get clumsy

slower to respond

not like alcohol

it isn’t a disconnect between the mind and hand, not exactly

it is almost like relearning to use them

but not

it

is

soothing

like a warm shower after a long hot day

saps the weariness by multiplying it in a relaxation way

like letting it out to breathe

your chest feel heavy

your stomach, you are more aware of it, thinking about it, about the level of fullness, and what could fit in the space

like tetris

but

you

know

different

this heavy chest and over awareness of the stomach, plus the slowed down reality

if you think about it too long

concentrate

focus

this is what causes anxiety attacks

so you learn to make it ancillary

it is there

but

whatever

maybe something salty

and sweet

not too heavy or you’ll go comatose

depending on strain and potency you can fall into philosophy

or giggles

become lost in the rivers of thought, riding the currents to many wonderful and varied places

or get electrified, energized, crawl out of your shell or burrow farther into it

reality is just a construction if the mind

i miss altering it

being in a different state

this regular state is

lacking

it

i don’t know

hurts

just this hollow sense that nothing is right

in

the

whole

world, maybe

this overwhelming feeling something is missing

off kilter

i want more from it

even if it comes from a joint

or a bottle

because what is here

isn’t enough

i want someone to make the quiet moments not painful

fill the silence with her heartbeat as my head lies on her chest

we don’t need to talk, to use chemicals to make it liveable

then i won’t imagine how good it felt to get messed up

and i can actually smile again

just

once

more