i leave the walls of my apartment bare

the soothing white walls are a haven for when the heavy depression settles in

i can concentrate on them

feed the bad into them and it goes away

but in my mind it is a different scene altogether

i hang pictures of the past

of the never was

of the could be

roam the hallways inside

dad and i playing catch

the time he stepped on the broken glass chasing a frisbee and nearly lost his big toe

his face filled with drunken rage

the different meals i helped make as kid

my spiderman bike for passing kindergarten

the tarp over the bicycles that made the best race track for hot wheels

especially after it rained and there where little dips filled with water they could spray through on the downward slopes

images from books i read and reread

nemo and his submarine stands proudly in the center

and framed pictures of her

i have never been in her presence

but there we are at a picnic

holding hands at the zoo

a romantic evening out, she looks beautiful in her dress and i barely look sloppy in my shirt and tie

a bow tie of course

her head on my shoulder as we unwind at the end of the day

all the kids having a water balloon fight

the sealed corridor of ex’s

sometimes i unlock it and see visions of the good times

but the bad photos are intermingled

getting a puppy in the same town i realized she was planning her escape

thunderstorms crackle menacingly

lock that door quick before the pain sends thick tendrils

blow the dust off of polaroid flashes of the one who died so young

this one is the kids

it is a safe place

cutting the umbilical cord

holding them as they are covered in goo, freshly born and trying to cry

smiles and hugs and cuddles

this is my favorite place

with them

also the one that hurts the worst when they are not near

like the imaginary hall of what ifs

the place of things i wish would happen but most likely won’t for one reason or a thousand

the candle lit line of first kisses

all proudly in awkward display

i run through these chambers all day, stirring up dust and memories

packing away the bitter ones

or embracing them depending on tectonic shift in depression

and when it all reaches critical mass i stare at the bare white walls and try and recenter

it doesn’t work so well

but i try