sitting silently

staring at the window

hoping to see her smiling face

azure eyes

my phone rang

i answered

stock elevator music in the background

a female voice spoke to me in mandarin

of which i am less than fluent

but as she spoke i began to understand

the initial urge to hang up vanished

i felt my body relax

go docile

and my mind

always so fragmented

suddenly shifted into laser focus

all the emotional hang ups turned to mist

constructs placed by the foreign government to keep me malleable

easy to control

as the fractured wreckage of emotional baggage left

and cold crystalline precision is all that remains

and as the information of my target is rolling in

i can’t stop thinking about how she never existed

the stained glass cathedral of her that has ruled over the void in my chest shattered

and as i stood in the shower of shards

lead lined panels of lies

the first kiss

a secret affair in a dark hallway

forceful

flavored with need

frantic sessions of hands and lips in the middle of the night in poorly lit parking lots

i checked and rechecked my weapons as i packed my bags

time to burn this identity

her gray blue eyes as she stared in hunger at me

burning through my clothes

the pink tip of her tongue running across her lips

kicking through the hotel door

three hostiles and the target

crimson sprays across beige walls

three shots

three bodies

target nearly catatonic in fear

dinner burning on the stove as we make love on the kitchen floor

her screams drowning out the smoke detector

his bloodied face and password

one shot in the temple

laptop in hand

hat pulled low to avoid facial recognition software

four quickly snapped photos of the corpses for process

the pics she would send me at work

knowing i was in a meeting

coded contact

kills confirmed

a phone call received

piped in elevator music

same voice

and as the icy demeanor began to break down and i felt the facade slip into place

my psyche crack

a muttered plea

qǐng bùyào tā

please

not her

bùshì zàicì

not again

a pause

the voice took on a different tone

and my mind went back to sleep

i rolled over and dreamt

emerald eyes

haunting me

stalking me