i’m still in bed

the fan blowing on me and the need to get up and relieve my bladder at war with the dread of starting another day

considering a catheter

maybe a bucket

but the damned bag would need changed or bucket need emptied and if I can barely make the effort to stand

well that is just thoughts

a long shower with the water beating against my face

the tired never quite leaving my bones and muscles

wish i were hungover

or sore from all night sex

it’s neither

one i gave up for fear of needing

the other given up for fear of love

the ceiling hasn’t changed during my shower but the fan is cold on still damp skin so i grab a blanket

the words are back but i ain’t buying what they are selling

phone is flashing with unread messages i can’t bring myself to care about

proud of the accomplishment of pissing in the shower while my hopes run down the drain

think today is a good day for just staying in bed

tomorrow i’ll get up and go out accomplish something

maybe get in the car and pick a direction and just leave

find a new town with a comfortable bed i can live in

new birds to chirp

new neighbors to stomp about

maybe she lives in whatever town i run out of gas in

offers a home cooked meal and maybe some comfort for the night

how many times have i started over

at this point i should be deep into the race

not waiting for the starting pistol to sound again

and again

i’m tired of being so tired

it is like being trapped in a video game

the monster jumps through the window and tears out my throat

and there i am at bedroom door again thinking maybe this time i’ll sneak through unnoticed

defeat will grow bored of my particular brand of failure

pick some new sap to bully about

me

i’ll just crawl under the blanket and wait it out

tomorrow

always tomorrow

if the sun burnt out and every tomorrow went away

i wouldn’t know for a week of todays

i’m tired