i remember the first time i took her out

it was a date in all but name

in hindsight it was my first date

not the first time i went with a group and it was like a date but was really a herd of giggles and my overly loud voice trying to reach her closed ears

it was snowing

i had asked her out before

she always declined

but i was young

and young hearts don’t understand no even as it is stamped on ventricles and forced through the system

young hearts believe that the want they feel is all they feel and all they feel is all that is right and just and proper in a confusing world of hormonal shifts and standing out by blending in

and my young heart was drawn to her young heart even as her young heart declined

but we became friends

and eventually friends became slang for she was falling for me as i had fallen for her

had i accepted her early dismissal and not decided there was still value to having her in my life in some capacity

even a capacity that didn’t quite vibe with the one i hoped for

at least i could bask in her as pedestrian

and for me that was enough

we never hung out

not outside of school

our lockers next to each other

well

my friend’s locker was next to her’s and adjacent to my classes so i stashed books there until i saw her and then suddenly it was a shared locker a few floors out of the way of my day but near her

turned out it was her friend’s locker that she used to stash books as well that became her locker so we could conveniently bump into each other

but we were talking at school and that turned to talking outside of school and that turned to talking

on the phone

knotted up cord stretched across the hallway and pinched in the closed door as we talked all through the night

our parents yelling to stop blocking the line and us waiting for the other to hang up first as birds began chirping outside

i’d given up hope of her and i being more than what we were as she was deciding she and i we’re becoming more than i allowed myself to see

so she asked if i wanted to go out for coffee at the diner that was open all night

i was a known hellion and the waitresses all knew me as trouble but in the rascal way not the worried he has a weapon way

and i said sure even with reservations of her hearing about the me that wasn’t the me she had grown to know but the me that was willing to do or say anything to get a laugh

in hindsight that was one of the problems i had back then

i couldn’t rectify the fool with the terribly broken boy and that fissure made things worse

but it was a small knot in the back of my head then and wouldn’t have bearing for quite a while

she went out of town with her parents for a week

the moment she got home she called and it was snowing

wet sloppy flakes and accumulating at a rapid pace

she worried i would change my mind about having coffee

unaware that it could have been raining fire and blood and I would have packed an asbestos umbrella and braved the night to hang out with her my unrequited love

it was dark and it was snowing and she came out bundled up and looking more perfect than the fields of pure white crystals reflecting like gems across the yards

and we drove on empty streets and talked and talked as we sullied the immaculate covering with tire tracks of blossoming connection

we never had coffee

just drove for hours and talked

my arm on the center console and her brushing it and sending chills like the blowing winds around us

and her hand resting next to mine and all i wanted was to hold it but couldn’t make that move

she made all the moves

me too afraid to spook her like a deer in a meadow

a deer myself

and as i dropped her off she stared at me and i at her and the world seemed to slow as the snow fell heavily around us

she kissed me on the cheek and thanked me for a wonderful evening and blushed and ran into her house as i pulled away

the snow crunching beneath my tires and my heart thundering in my ears

a small patch of my cheek still alive with phantom lips and a smile that didn’t fade for days

years later and i can still see her face, smell her perfume, feel that innocent kiss

i knew i could no longer pretend i wanted to just be her friend

and in my insecurities worried she would relegate me back to that state

she didn’t

though two years later she would leave

i would be broken

and right as i began to pick up the pieces and start over

sitting on the couch with a new connection she would show up and ask if i wanted to take a ride as the snow fell with fat wet flakes

and all i wanted was to leave with her and never look back

but she saw the new girl on the couch and fled to her car and we never spoke again

i saw her one time years and years later at a bar

i was with my friends and she was with her friends and our eyes met across the crowded room and my stomach plummeted to my shoes as she smiled and waved as my friend grabbed my shoulder and spun me around to introduce me to this woman he knew he thought i would like and when i turned back she was gone

some nights i see her still in dreams and we drive through the night as the snow falls

but i’m far from snow and she is somewhere else i guess

far from young hearts driving on virgin covered streets going for coffee we never quite made it to in conditions we somehow ignored