Making Mona Cry

“Feeling better?”


“It’s been three days. What happened?”

“Not sure. Bug, I guess.”

“It wasn’t a bug. It was what we asked.”

“Kind of.”

“Definitely. What happened?”

“It’s a big deal.”

“It is.”

“And I know what it means to you two.”


“But. Why me?”

“Oh fuck Mikey, why not you?”

“Obviously one look is enough to answer that.”

“Stop. Fucking stop. You’re cute. You are clearly fucking brilliant.”

“It’s just a test.”

“No it isn’t. We all kind of knew it anyways. You know a ton about so many things.”


“You read five books at a time.”


“You are creative. Don’t fucking interrupt me again. Listen. Fuck. No one has ever been as hard on you as you are. Everyone loves you.”

“Stop. Marie is coming.”


“So I have tied to the hood of my car wearing nothing but a latex pig mask. A finger in her ass and All Star by Smashmouth blaring from my phone as I am railing away… Oh. Hi Marie.”

“One sixty nine, him? No. I refuse to believe it.”

“I’ll have you know I have sixty nined way more than once. Twice that in fact.”

“So twice?”

“I don’t know, Mona can I borrow your calculator?”

“The asshole genius.”

“Bye Marie.”

“Bye Mona. Mike.”

“Oh man she hates you.”

“You promised.”

“It accidentally slipped out in conversation.”

“My ass.”

“Still flat.”

“No. Do you know what that fucking does to expectations? All of my fucking life. It’s unfair. Suddenly there is mold that society puts on you and expects you to conform into. I don’t want to change the world, Mona. I want to write shitty pieces and be happy.”

“I’m sorry. I would brag to everyone.”

“No you wouldn’t. You’d see it as a fucking curse.”

“Okay. I’m really sorry. I’ve made a mess of everything this week, haven’t I?”

“No. I’ll do it.”

“I really have. It’s just everything has been so… wait. You’ll do it?”


“Are you sure?”

“If you understand what you’re getting. I’m flawed and broken Mona. Irrationally jumping from fire to fire in an effort to put each out. My head doesn’t work right. My emotions are skewed. Do you really know how fucked up I am? Not just from the stories, but from life?”

“I mean sort of. You tell all kinds of stories.”

“All true.”

“Yes, I know. But you don’t ever talk about being a kid. I guess I don’t know anything from before you were an adult. But that doesn’t matter. None of it does. I know you. The real you. The one that gives everything without considering. The best friend to a dozen people you barely can stand. The one who loves easily and hurts but never complains.”

“I do not.”

“Marie told me about when I was gone.”

“That’s why I got the mirror. Fucking ninja.”

“It was a no brainier for Trudy or I to pick you. We see the worth even if you cannot.”

“It’s why you both wear glasses. Poor eyesight.”

“No it’s not. Well it is. But it isn’t. You’re being impossible.”

“I was born impossible.”

“That I believe.”

“So how does it work? Do I just bang you guys until one of you is pregnant?”

“For a genius you’re pretty stupid.”

“None of that g word shit or I rescind my ball’s bounty.”

“None of that bounty shit.”



“So we gonna do it here and now?”

“You know we aren’t having sex right?”

“Yes dumbass. I’m kidding.”

“I know. I know I’m just…”

“Don’t cry boo. Please.”

“Shut up. I do what I want. Here. Talk to Trudy she’s calling and I cannot…”



“I told you not to call me. Mona is here. She’s going to know we’re fucking if you keep this up.”

“What? Eww.”

“Eww? Hurtful.”

“Where’s Mona? She sent me text saying we needed to talk.”

“Crying like a baby.”

“What did you do? I swear to God we may love you but I will fucking end you if you hurt her.”

“The nerve.”

“Look here boy genius, put her on the phone. Now.”

“She’s waving me off.”

“Then you tell me what’s wrong?”

“I’m in.”


“You heard me. I’ll do it.”

“You mean…”

“Oh no. Don’t you start fucking crying too.”

“I love you Mikey.”

“Now she’s definitely going to get the wrong idea.”

“I don’t think she will. Oh my God. Make her talk to me.”

“Mona, you two nitwits can cry together on the phone. I’m going to get my super brain some coffee.”


“The fuck?”

“Caffeine can lower sperm count.”

“Oh hell no.”

“And no drinking. Or drugs. Or sex.”

“I’ve reconsidered.”

“Too fucking late for that bucko. Those swimmers are ours.”

“Fuck me.”


“What the fuck have I agreed too?”

“We love you. So much.”

“Doesn’t feel like it.”

“Have some green tea. Its good for you.”

“This is bullshit.”



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