Humdinger with Mona

“Good morning.”

“Hey Mona.”

“Hey? Have we gone past the proper etiquette of good mornings?”

“Huh?”

“What’s wrong Mikey?”

“Ummm. Nothing.”

“Mikey.”

“It’s just…”

“Oh fuck me. Did someone touch your no no spot?”

“If only.”

“You seem really shaken.”

“Ever have an orgasm that made you question if you’re living your best possible life?”

“No.”

“Like an existential crisis cumming?”

“I don’t know what that is. Calm down. Explain.”

“You know the lady I’ve been seeing on and off the last couple weeks?”

“Yes. The one you decided to not have sex with for a while.”

“Yes. Her.”

“You finally had sex with her.”

“Sort of.”

“Sort of?”

“Yeah.”

“What happened to waiting?”

“See…”

“It isn’t that you are irresistible.”

“Clearly.”

“Why does this feel like pulling teeth?”

“She has a kid.”

“Okay. Lots of women have kids. You’ve had sex with a few of them.”

“I have.”

“So…”

“Well I like this one. And her kid.”

“Okay. Kind of adult of you.”

“Ew.”

“You’re an adult.”

“You take that shit back right now.”

“I will not.”

“It makes it even worse.”

“Details.”

“So the kid goes to sleep. We’re sitting on the couch watching some cooking something or other.”

“Reality television? You?”

“I know.”

“Sounds adult as hell.”

“Ugh.”

“It does. You must like her.”

“I do. Did. I don’t know.”

“Go on.”

“So we’re kissing. It is getting pretty hot and heavy.”

“Groping?”

“I think I may have found her clit.”

“Doubtful.”

“Well, whatever I was doing to her armpit was having a reaction.”

“Idiot.”

“A little. Her pants were still on but unbuttoned. I had a finger delicately playing.”

“This all seems pretty standard.”

“It was. I mean, it was pretty fantastic. Her lips are just so kissable. And the way she moaned into my throat was driving me nuts.”

“Enough to break your word on waiting on sex?”

“Damn close. But no. She and I agreed to no sex.”

“Okay, then how…”

“She decided on a loophole.”

“Anal?”

“What the fuck, Mona?”

“You told me it was God’s loophole.”

“No. I told you a story about the time I said that to a good christian girl when I was younger.”

“I cannot believe she fell for that.”

“Teenage homones make you believe what you want to believe.”

“But anal?”

“Just as…”

“Many nerve endings. I know. You’ve beaten it into my head over the years.”

“I’m not against ass eating. Or playing with the dirty button.”

“Ew.”

“I mean, after a shower preferably.”

“Preferably?”

“I may be slightly perverse.”

“Slightly?”

“Okay. A little more than slightly.”

“Water sports?”

“It’s sterile if drank once.”

“So disgusting. So, what loophole? Oh. She decided oral was okay.”

“Yeah.”

“So one good turn?”

“Oh. I buried my face between her legs. Look.”

“Are those claw marks on your bald head?”

“Yeah. She got a little too into it.”

“Must have been a long time for her.”

“Or I am exceptional.”

“So a long time for her?”

“I don’t know. Let’s just say she enjoyed herself.”

“None of this sounds like a crisis.”

“Ummm.”

“Did the kid come out? Another phaser in your ass?”

“No.”

“Then what?”

“So she repays the favor.”

“You’ve gotten a blow job before.”

“Once or twice.”

“Then what?”

“She was really into it. Eye contact, tongue play, it was on point.”

“Did you propose?”

“What? No. Why?”

“You like her and she has a talented mouth.”

“If I married every woman that gave great head…”

“Fair enough. Existential crisis.”

“So she starts humming.”

“Humming?”

“Yes. It feels amazing.”

“Like moaning?”

“Sort of. More concentrated.”

“I still don’t see why you are overreacting. It sounds like she gave you her A game.”

“Uh huh.”

“Mike. Dammit, are you blushing?”

“No. You are.”

“I’m not.”

“You could be.”

“I could.”

“See ”

“I’m not.”

“But you could be.”

“Fucking get on with it.”

“So she’s humming. I feel it. But then I realize there is a melody.”

“She’s humming a song.”

“Yeah. A familiar one. But I’m a little out of the ability to place it.”

“That’s a good thing.”

“You’d think so. But you know me and when something itches my brain.”

“You can’t let go.”

“I can’t let go.”

“That’s what I just said.”

“I would think you’d know me well enough by now.”

“I do. Unfortunately.”

“Right. So I’m getting close. Real close. And she is steadily humming that goddamn song.”

“So you can’t cum.”

“Just the opposite.”

“This seems pretty normal to me and a waste of your good manners.”

“I figured out the song as I came.”

“Okay. What was it?”

“The theme to Sesame Street.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

Sunny days, chasing the clouds away…”

“Uh huh.”

“Oh boy. That is a conflict.”

“Yeah.”

“So.”

“So.”

“Kinda like Big Bird blew you.”

“Not exactly.”

“But sort of. It’s implied. Grover working the shaft.”

“It wasn’t.”

“She play with Bert and Ernie?”

“Too far.”

“Did you tell her to stay away from Oscar and the trash can?”

“Oh please. Fuck. It messed up my head.”

“It really did.”

“It really did. Could be worse though.”

“Could be worse? How?”

“She could do it again.”

“Oh no.”

“Did you talk about it after?”

“And say what? Your song selection made the incredible blow job somehow even more incredibly awkward?”

“Yeah.”

“No. We didn’t.”

“She snowball you?”

“How the fuck do you know snowballing?”

“You told me.”

“Sounds like something I would tell you.”

“It was.”

“What do I do?”

“No clue. Maybe have her dress like Snuffalupagus?”

“Not funny.”

“It is a little.”

“It really isn’t.”

“It really is. Imagine it happened to someone else.”

“It really is.”

“You’ll be okay.”

“You think so?”

“Tamales for lunch?”

“I’ll be okay. Yes.”

“How many do you want? One, one tamale? Two, two tamales, ah ha ha…”

“You’re becoming kind of an asshole. I sort of love it.”

On my way, to where the air is clean, can you tell me how to get, how to get cum out of my teeth …”

“Too far.”

“It really isn’t.”

“I forgot my wallet.”

“This is Kermit the Frog with the daily news…”

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