born of silence

the first weekend of divorced life was one of the worst weekends to ever wreak ends as the week ended in a dull ache instead of a restful celebration of weak endings

the silence was deafening

it’s funny how it is not the things around but the things no longer around that make the biggest impression on a weary soul

the endless fighting was at an end as punch-drunk arms could no longer bear to bear the burden of bare emotion left discarded

the kids seemed confused

not him

no

he was too little to understand that the new normal was not the old normal but the new reality was the only reality so no adjustment was necessary

she was happy to be daddy’s little girl but wondered at the lack of the other half no longer the better half but now the half that had become less and less by increments over the years

and i was left in a stupor stupefied by the sudden weight that was lifted only to be replaced by a new weight that was just as heavy to keep what could have been a buoyant soul firmly tethered to the same trappings of a lead lined discomfort

it gradually grew easier

like all breakups that aren’t break ups but breaking downs that are not eggs and bacon kinds of breakfasts but break slows that grind the sturdiest boulder into flakes of shale

they grow easier

but i still remember that first weekend of uncomfortable comfort of silent screaming of oxymoronic meanderings and moronic meanings

i don’t regret a moment of the then of the before of the after because it was all once upon a time in bedlam

but now the silence is heavier itchier different and the same

it makes me thankful for the blessings bestowed as the sins compiled as the smiles faded as the words began to flow

we weren’t the same people then as we are now as we’re before as we’ll be long after

the sun is the only constant

and the silence

it all depends on how it is viewed reveled in the hidden thoughts revealed

as i move on to the place i was meant to be i can’t help but linger on the time before that shaped me into the one ready for the future

i smile

bittersweetly as the sun shines it’s dying rays to be reborn as i was in the cauldron of back then

i love you like i should have loved all that came before but wasn’t able to

so it seems it all has fallen into place

born of silence

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