most likely

two weeks ago we hit critical need for laundry and groceries as a true pro i was able to manage with a three dollar load of work essentials allowing for post shower nude lounging to balance it out

i could easily blame it on not having the cash but i had put ten bucks in my wallet and casually forgotten in an effort to keep laundry funds then allowed depression to strangle my ability to leave

most of the time i am not suicidal or a sobbing mess most of the time i don’t dwell on the darkness at all that isn’t what depression means to all people all the time yet when i tell friends they think i need a hug

i need to silence the voice that stops my hand as i grip the door knob the one that convinces me to sit back down take off my hoodie slip off the shoes it can all be done tomorrow yet tomorrow never comes

to be able to accept that no matter all the evidence to the contrary i am still human even if i never venture out the shadowed door to my cave unless poked and prodded to because outside is people and yuck

then i force myself out of necessity to do the things i put off with dread sounding sirens in my mind and ice knotting up my guts as i bemoan the loss of my washing machine and the need to buy a new one

spoiler alert, it’s never as bad as the voices say yet even armed with this knowledge i would rather sit in the dark and pick scabs and tell myself tomorrow is another day even though today is imperative

making excuses making messes lying to myself it’s all going to get better when half the time it is not nearly as bad as it feels with anxiety and feeling like the issue is i am not good enough to be a part so i stay apart

so here we are. thirty two minutes to clean clothes. making small talk. while the voices scream. baby steps to being human. baby steps to survival. we can do this. most likely.

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