rambling (delete when sober)

i have found myself at the bottle of rum when i haven’t seen the bottle of anything but olive oil or water in many moons but this is the first day alone without work or the kids to distract me from that you shaped hole that seems the whole of my emptiness

and the world is strange and my mind is strange everything seems to slowed down i can pick up the shattered crystals of where the me that was and the me that is collided each sliver cuts my fingers but the pain feels nice like gentle choking soothing reassuring as the world turns red

i am unsheltered from this storm nude to the elements the heating element in the stove glows bright orange and i see the hanger resting in the flame at the exact point where the blue hits the white the hottest part of the flame and i know it is meant for my back but you can’t show weakness

the ones that understand are the ones that lived it that know how to shut off parts if their minds to be immune to the trauma to let the shell take the pain while you float in nothing because nothing is all that there is anything else will become the pain no matter how dulcet the tones whispered

i am drunk and i don’t drink because i hate who i am but i find i hate who i was because without him the me i am wouldn’t be so fucking worthless if i were normal like regular nine to five not always fucking consumed i know i am made wrong i get it but i never asked to be me at all

i am just screaming into the void and listening to the nothingness that responds not seen not acknowledged because when it was shut off it was over whether i knew it or not now i am depressing because grief is a natural reaction to loss i just didn’t have the time to process

i am laying here naked because i don’t have the will to cloth myself in the lies needed to dust off and tuck my man bits away the delusion has not returned the awareness is still raw and burning like when you quit smoking and you feel the need gnawing you from the inside out

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