to my eventual exes

you are confused,
possibly
bewildered

hurt,
i am sure

if you are reading this
then you
have pulled the trigger
ended
whatever charade
of a relationship
we had found ourselves
languishing in

i am sure i am
devastated

but good for you

i likely
will be in the midst of
spitting tear soaked ballads
into the trash fire
at the center of the universe
because i
cannot handle the loss
of you

maybe you are
wanting
an explanation
as to why things turned out
the way they did

we both knew
going in
i am bad
at emotions
but when i said those
very words
you heard me saying
that i was:

tragic, depressed, misunderstood, capable of beautiful words to hide his pain, you can make it better, you can fix him, you can show the world his beautiful soul

how long
was it before
you saw the
truth
when did that
dream die
when did you
adjust the
terms and conditions
of our relationship
to better fit
this new
state of being

let me explain it
in terms
you will now assuredly
be familiar with
even if the words
are new
the feeling
underlying
is the truth
as you witnessed
from a
gradually growing
distance:

i was stardust when you found me, floating alone in the vastness of self imposed space, you collected the slivers and made them into the image of me, you wished me to be, the focus of the words turned to shine a light on the you i still see, transcribing that image into a cascading waterfall of words, the stardust made man turned poet became a star in which you happily let pull you in with its gravitation swells, my rays lapping against your tender spots until all you could feel were radiating waves of pleasure from clit to toe to fingertip to lips, you ignited this big bang but we couldn’t control it as i began to go supernova while your hair got singed, you stepped back from the intensity, grew used to it, stopped being amazed at the depths being poured across your naked body, that’s when i began to fall in upon myself, that moment when the wellspring was given diminishing returns, as we settled into a routine where you got steadily busier, more involved in other things and i only shined for you, no longer a new star, the nimbus of supernova faded, just another white dwarf in an onyx blanket of white dwarves as far as the eye can see, you went in search of another cloud of stardust to mold as i became a black hole in your leaving, eventually returning to dust, myself

your friends,
those that helped you
reach this
decision,
were right

it was all my fault

but matter
can never be
destroyed and you
mattered
to me

even if i
am bad at
emotions
like i told you
at

the beginning.

11 thoughts on “to my eventual exes

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