la(in)somnia

i have lain
still
unmoving
unbreathing
through an evening
where fhe world went
completely silent

no traffic
no planes
no wind through the chimes

just my pulse
in my ears

i thought
at first
have i gone deaf
am i asleep
merely dreaming
i lie awake
blanketed in quiet

i go outside
it is cold
i shiver
under the harsh
yellow sodium light

i inhale
prepared to scream
to test
what my sleep deprived brain
is mouthing
to every bit of anxiety
i can muster

before i can
let loose
what i fear may be
nothing
but an exhalation
devoid of sound

at last
a plane flies overhead
muted in the cold
high above
but there is a rumble
soft
but real

now i lay
uncertain
did i nap
albeit briefly
dreaming

or have i cracked
lain
still
unmoving
the entire night
beset by carnivorous butterflies
in my guts
and no reason
that i can find

a manic depression
blanketed in ice

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