i am not sad, just hopeless at the moment

there are those
that think
lady depression
is sadness
that the fool
willingly curls up
to sob for days
because he is
a sad little boy

they tend to be
too loud in their
proclamations
of being positive
clinging to insipid
phrases to seem
emotionally intelligent
to make up for how
bereft of understanding
they truly are

lady depression
does not seek to
inspire sadness
she just reminds me
of all the lessons
unlearned through
words and lashes
she is a reminder
that no matter what
i do or try or seek
i have never been
anything but a burden
she lays these facts
out carefully and
confidently on a loop
until all there is
is the nothingness
the absence of hope
and meaning in this
failing shell of scars

a depressive episode
is an inability
to motivate myself
to find a reason
to see the light
to try and ignore her as
she whispers softly
how there is no purpose
for a fool lost in
a dead art that will
most assuredly simply
be forgotten as soon
as this hellride is
thankfully finally done

the problem is that
there is enough truth
in her pervasive tone
undeniable glimmers
that shine brighter
until i find myself
nodding along as she
chants about hopelessness
about wasted potential
about never being enough
with empirical data
to collaborate every word

so to those with their
inspirational posters
of cats barely grasping
onto the edge that believe
the power of positivity
can drown out the voice
of actual depression

bless your heart
now fuck off

i have been scrubbing
every surface with bleach
and sobbing because
i know no matter how
much i scrub the sink
and walls and scratch and
claw at the words to
finally drown her out
she will come back again
and again and again
she never changes her story
she never tires
she never goes away
just watches and waits
knowing one day
she will catch me
without a light to
desperately cling to
that life will eventually
prove her every word true

that is depression

not a cute little
thundercloud
not a sad day because
things didnt go
the way i had hoped
but a persuasive
voice saying all of
the things
so many others have
said in anger
filling every silence
with one question

what is the point
in hanging on?

this isnt a cry for help
it is a plea for silence

i willingly
lay among the
wildflowers
the heavy perfume
reminds me
i have meaning
even as depression
tears me down

2 thoughts on “i am not sad, just hopeless at the moment

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