dissociative in shades of ugly

i have no
frame of reference
when it comes
to my abundance
of ugliness

no matter what
i do to change
working out
eating healthy
when i pass
any reflective surface
my first instinct
is one wholly of
nauseous disgust

my inability
to see myself
leaves an indistinct
afterimage of ugly
that even when
photographed
drips self condemnation
down the screen

working on sculpting
repugnancy into
performance art
for my loyal
audience of none

clumps of protein
powder floating
in morning coffee
hating the person
glaring at me as i
pass the mirror
seeing a lifetime of
failures on parade
instead of the man
i work hard to be
as the three hours
or so of restless
sleep catches up to me
in the silence
while the world
slumbers peacefully

i couldn’t see
myself this morning
so i took a
quick picture
and couldn’t figure
out who it was
staring back at me

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