In Oklahoma there is this thing that people do called Noodlin. The biggest catfish lie on the bottom of the river, fat faces up and just sit and eat. Imagine Golden Corral on Sunday when the church crowd shows. Well these American heroes wade out into the water and jam there hands into the fish’s mouth and pull them up. God bless the men in camo for their service.

Find the documentary Okie Noodlin. Pack the bowl, make some popcorn and thank me in the comments. For cereal.

What the fuck is he on about now? 

Noodlin? Has the quiet broken him finally?


But I was going somewhere with this.

I got home and was greeted to the now unsettling notification of a message. This was Okcupid so my fears of becoming a victim were tempered. She was gorgeous. Alarmingly so. Like literal alarms went off in my head. Not literal alarms you pretentious twat. I guess hyperbole is out as well.

That is literally the worst thing I have ever heard.

I felt I was on the verge of a catfish. Well that is what this all about. We have been texting back and forth for a half an hour now. Seems normal. I clearly am someone who attracts the attention of models and their ilk. Gonna flow this through, but fingers crossed she is the one!

Shortest blog ever.

I feel dirty. She is sweet. If any of it is true that is. I am willing to play the game though. That was the entire point of this. To explore this filthy world and document it, pimples and all to the world. Or the six of you reading this.

I am the first person she has contacted on any dating site. Me. of all the eligible men out there she saw my pic and decided to holla. Maybe it is the crushing self doubt speaking but it feels too convenient. She is a nurse for UNICEF. Allegedly. Half Aussie and half Spanish. Again, stunning. She has sent a few pics and she is definitely maybe the girl in them.

She said mum and it was adorable.

Fuck you false hope! Fuck you and die you god damned Dracula. Feasting on my inner turmoil. Raising my spirits so you can better kick me in the unphotoable regions.

So I am Noodlin. Hoping to get a bite and feeling like catfish is on the menu.

Here is to a fucking train wreck. And I get to be the conductor. I want one of those hats.

She just called me dear. Fuck me running.


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