i like to think of my failed suicide attempts as dress rehearsals

or just planning stages

not failures

just getting the rhythm right

the cuts

the pills

the misfires

like jerking off before a big date

get the bad ones out first

so when the voices finally win

when i reach my wits end

i can just do it

no long hospitalization period

do not resuscitate

just go to the bathroom

sit down on the toilet

swallow fifty or so sleeping pills

and do my best Elvis impression

consider the past trials my training

olympic level suicidist

bet the russians give me a nine point five