been four days

still hurts to stand

sit

walk

talk

learned to cry softly so as to not disturb the center of anguish and gravity

the best part of sorrow is the bottomlessness of it

depression is a true perpetual motion machine

it never stops moving

slows for the peaks

barrels to the valley

but always sits just behind the surface

deadly machinations

the ripple in the seemingly calm surface of reality

let’s attack it differently

view the beauty from a new position

switch vantages

he wakes, the same as everyday, he wakes

his eyes rapidly blink to take on the well lit room

to wash away the last vestiges of the dream that still holds tightly to his mind

as stark sunlight eradicates the final seconds of bliss, her lips the last to fade away, he clutches his eyes tightly closed, the sweet taste of strawberries and a late spring breeze laced with the promise of summer on his mouth, in his flared nostrils, to rewrite his dna with even the slightest impression of her

she kisses like a storm, wild and fully, flashes of hunger spark, it is everything coming harder and more intensely, you need breath, but need her more, it is anger and love and need and want, as she kisses you and you find yourself with no tiller in this grand flood, aimlessly tossed about the current, seeking salvation, fearing you have found it, sensing drowning comes next

she is gone

the beams of light break through the darkened room

dust plays in the beams like an entire cosmos lives and dies at your whim

she is gone

with the him she never left

the him she found behind your back

the him that takes care of her and makes her happy like you used to

before

took each other for granted

you woke up and tried to fix things

she woke up in his arms

and now that last millisecond of her embrace chases you the entire day

haunts, taunts

flaunts itself in burning memory

depression is the moment you remember it is a dream

that last instance

when you let go of the feeling of your own volition

deflated and off to face the hunk of coal that allowed it

that flash between wanting

knowing

and rage

like that fraction of time when a bubble is pierced by a needle

yet every molecule seeks to retain surface tension

the shudder of implosion right before

pop

and i sit in this perpetual occurrence straddling it is going to be okay and it is the end of the world

the frozen exemplary perfection and destruction

cursed to rationalize that this is dying and the worst is yet to come

it is the precise interlude between fight or flight

stretched infinitely in the middle of neuron arcs

trapped in amorphous denigration for eternity

like a fish flash frozen in mid leap for sustenance

happy a curious curio from a by gone era