about love, words

my daughter asked me about love the other day

we talk about everything

openly and honest

drugs, religion, politics

i always tell her exactly how i feel

but when she asked of love i froze

was I supposed to expound on the virtues of love

the butterflies, tingling electricity at every errant touch, the endorphin rush, the secret whispers, the all consuming fire that sucks in every aspect of your life and leaves charred remnants of the former you

the way you feel like you two are the only two people on the planet to feel this way, love was a myth before you gazed into each other’s eyes, it felt like you had been holding your breath your entire life and suddenly you remember how to again

the fairy tale synchronicity

that moment when the cabin door opens and technicolor floods over poor stupid dorothy

your entire life was a speeding train headed to this exact moment in time

the sand in the hourglass floats

do i tell her this and set expectations too high

fill her full of nonsense

that this is how it remains

this newlywed period

that once she finds her other half she will soar on eagle wings above the petty issues of mundane life

or tell her all of it

that the person will soon seep into every aspect of existence

she will leave her friends, ignore her family, her studies, everything to scratch the itch of wanting more and more time with this perfect being

they will mold their own version of the world

a land of two

but everyone gets cranky

if it lasts long enough you will leave the bathroom door open or be in the vicinity of the other as they defecate

you’ll see them do the deplorable things we all do behind locked doors and in the dark because that will cease to be a thing in this new life

if you’re lucky

if not they will stray, or you will stray or bills will add up, or life that keeps on chugging will keep on chugging and that stop on the blue line was temporary

the little things you ignored become the big things things that annoy

it never feels like both are pulling their own weight all the time

you’ll take each other for granted

argue over inconsequential things because that is what you do

it isn’t the stressful times that should worry you

it is the calm

when the placid waters lurenyou into a sense of comfort and ease

and then suddenly it is over

the skin that covered the bruised fruit rips and the smell of rot fills the room

decay

what was once a vase of lillies is now stagnant water and brown, dry leaves on the table

but the sickly sweet aroma remains

ingrained into the wood, the walls, the kitchen

and they are gone

every song is one you shared

you watched everything together

had your own things

and now you are alone in this cage that was once a home

unable to move or think or smile

their scent fills you with every halted intake of air into lungs that ache

time goes on and healing occurs

but there is always a trigger

something that sets you down the path of one more time, one more chance

we can do it all right this time

erase the mistakes and find that love from the beginning, rebuild our cocoon

or you just cry as everything is salt water on your open wound

over and again this repeats

different faces, same results

and i cannot tell her it will end happily

that she will be one of the lucky ones that life doesn’t bend over and fuck as it all vaporizes into that burnt steak smell of outer space

your tongue won’t feel alkaline

it won’t always hurt except for those brief seconds of joy

i don’t have the knowledge of not losing it all to impart

and she sees this flash across my face, the smile cracks, hesitation

i want her to be able to keep the dream that it all works out and we have someone out there looking for us as desperately as we are praying for them

but i can’t make the words

so i spout empty pretty words

hoping she only has the beginning of love and never the end

and crawl into my room and stare at the ceiling

wondering

are you out there looking for me

i’m here

ugly bald guy with a reprehensible personality and undeserving of you

i would stop looking for you so she never has to feel the way i do nearly every day

you’ll find someone

she’ll find someone

i have my dad’s wedding ring on my right index finger

i’ll be the one staring at the ground and absently rubbing it

ready to snap to action to protect either of you

and trying to figure out how to tell her about love

One thought on “about love, words

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