music roulette was a harsh mistress this morning in my drive

lost out in the darkness came on

the sweet hopefulness of it had me happily singing along seeming to sum up my feelings as of late

but then chesterfield kings came on and while it is one of the best punk love songs it always fills me with that sweet sorrow

that feeling of teenage desire

i’m too old to feel this way

but my emotional and mental maturity seem to have suffered some sort of perpetual adolescence

sometimes i think it is why i write

because i don’t have the grasp on what it means to be adult in this shimmying world of disillusionment

i still dream

even if it never comes true

god damn the dreamer to the hell of his mental landscape

wanting the things reality can never deliver

so i’ll continue to sing lost out in the darkness all day

unable to bare the lashing whips of the heartfelt sweetness incomprehensible to my childlike wonder

for today at least

wanting desperately to sing it into your sweet ear as we lay together in spent splendor

something i’ll never attain

bastards of fate and brain worms keeping it from ever occuring anywhere but in my mind

doesn’t change the facts though

i love you

even if you’ll never know it

and that is something i can’t help nor fight