falling in reverse

he hit her this morning

not with his hands but with words

i heard them squabble outside my bedroom window

woke me from a dead sleep

it was the furtive whispering that finally mined through the wall of sleep and pulled me to consciousness

a low hum

increasing in pitch

muted yet deafening

i threw on shorts and stumbled outside to find the source of agitation and perhaps stop a fight

he was standing over her

mouth moving a million syllables a second

and with one of the indistinct lumps of tongue and lips shaped air it happened

she flinched back as if slapped

no physical contact

although it would have been kinder indeed to have just left a red hand print on her cheek

as she sat on the cool grass of predawn and stared at the flickering stars holding her cheek

it would fade in time

the dagger to her soul was permanent

this may have been recoverable for both of them had he not uttered whatever poisonous bubble of anger popped in her face

now it was over

you could see the light go out in her eyes

the moment love died

i wish i had a camera to take a photo at that precise moment

she went from fully invested to partially digested to totally divested in a quarter second or less

i have seen the before and after stares in my own life

the sudden cold radiance where heat used to boil

the ring on the coffee table from condensation all that remained of their journey together

i wanted to ask him what he said

to catalogue it

to never make that mistake to someone i love

to never say those words or any like them

but I stayed quiet

as she stood and looked at him like he was suddenly a stranger

brushed herself off and drove away

he sat in repeated muttered confusion

his words echoing in his skull

like a pinball crashing the play field

his anger flared until all that remained of his love was two silhouettes burnt into the brick beside him

as the tears figured out it was long past time to fall and he recognized his folly

he looked at me before hanging his head and shuffling home

i nodded at the heart slayer

as i poured myself back into bed i rewound that scene

played it backwards to see love blossom in her eyes

let it go on loop as i drifted back to sleep

had he choked down whatever was burning his soul

picked a different place to argue instead of right next to the bush outside my window

i would have stayed happily dreaming the slobbery dreams of the heavily medicated

not witnessed the dying of a star

i’m sure she broke down as she drove

shedding the weight of false affection like trash out the window of her speeding car

a winding river of tears that sent her home

his texts

apologies for words spoken in the fires of anger

hot enough to shatter the chains of love

just sparks and molten metal after images

and my mind whirling with what he could have said to burn down his entire world

it was the calm of his rage

the simply spoken murmur that made it too real

too perfectly stated to not be meant

when i finally cast the sleep from my mind and made my slow way to the land of coherency

i let it play over and over in my mind

it felt like a dream

what did he say to her

it became my only thought

how do you destroy something in one line

sever a connection with someone you love so cleanly that the only reaction is to walk away

there is nothing here to repair

sipping coffee alone and wishing i had something to cultivate

watching her fall out of love in reverse

the halting comprehension that he pissed away more than i have held for over a year

everything i yearned for he tossed in a fit of bitter enthusiastic repose

and now we are both alone

him with his regrets

me with my dreams

neither to find happiness

we need jackets embroidered with our clan name

the amateur self saboteur club

now accepting applicants

seating is limited

unless you choose my face

then it is first come, repeatedly coming

9 thoughts on “falling in reverse

      1. It would be my loss otherwise😍I like your work very much but I don’t know why sometimes I can’t live the like but I’m afraid it is my connection at times slow 🤷🏻‍♀️

        Liked by 1 person

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